BirdFlag

Question.

2010-08-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

Does anyone follow this blog anymore? I ran across the link on a old webpage I updated.

Decision 2010

2010-07-08T17:17:00.001-07:00

As you've all gathered to find out what I plan to do with my online presence, I realize that the time is now.
The time is time not to take, but to give back.
The internet has given us all so much and asked for nothing in return.
Now is the time to reveal where I am headed.
As you know, the choice was between facebook, friendster, myspace and twitter. And the choice was hard, but the choice was made.

I've decided to create my own social network.
TALKING WITHOUT BORDERS
I am willing to archive and distribute the thoughts of everyone, everyone I know, and everyone I don't. This will keep us all together, because we are the global village and it takes a global village to raise a child of the internet.

The method is simple. Call me up and tell me what you want to put on the internet. That's it. It's just like facebook and twitter and myspace. Except it's me. And a phone. Call me up, leave a message (I'll quit answering my phone full time in order to make this work.) Make your message less than 20 seconds. This will be our way of enforcing some sort of editing like twitter has. I don't know how long it takes to say 142 characters, so the 20 seconds is arbitrary. Maybe we'll change it if it doesn't work. You leave the message, and then I post it. If it requires me to draw a picture, or make a video, or record a song, or take a photo, then I'll do it. We'll do it. Together.

Contact phone number=206 764 4370
Please don't leave a text, I'm over my limit for the month.

CROSS POSTED @
http://tankonaut.blogspot.com/2010/07/decision-2010.html
http://birdflag.blogspot.com/2010/07/decision-2010.html
http://the-jets.blogspot.com/2010/07/decision-2010.html
http://thecoltrane.blogspot.com/2010/07/decision-2010.html

Decision 2010

2010-07-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

New Brackets

2010-03-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Since March Madness got all cornholed with all the upsets, let's start over.

Post your prediction for the Sports headline in USA for next Tuesday.
Winner gets five bucks.

Here's my four guesses:
THE BUTLER DID IT!
NATION MOURNS; DUKE WINS
TODAY WE'RE ALL HILLBILLIES
IZZO FOR SHIZZO!

andong

2010-03-08T14:25:00.001-08:00

This lady was at An Dong market today when I got some groceries.
She is wearing a sweatshirt that obviously says "FOUR" on it. It originally said "FCUK" but in her adorable old lady state she sewed on little pieces of white fabric to make it not even hint at a profanity. I love her. I love her so much.

Something I worked on Earlier.

2010-02-11T16:51:00.001-08:00

A few years back I started working on an autobiographical comic all about my first year in college. Since I decided to limit the cast of characters to only all 300+ people I interacted with on a weekly basis, I got overwhelmed and never finished it. Here's a couple pages that I found and scanned.

Can you tell who the idiot is?Un-lettered page about me meeting Bob, Skid, Jose, Grady and Blake after my brother told me to go introduce myself.
Two separate artistic versions of the same page. Imagine if I'd kept it up for about 25 more iterations, then it wouldn't suck quite so bad.

I solve sports volume 2: baseball

2010-02-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

1-Eliminate the DH.
2-Allow home team to set height of pitcher's mound from between 10"-15" at teh beginning of the year. No changes allowed after the first game.
3-Hard salary cap set at 60% average of all teams adjusted net income.
4-sport fixed.

I solve sports volume 1: soccer

2010-02-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

1-Decrease goal width from 24' to 18'. Increase height to 9' from 8'.
2-Eliminate traditional offside rule to version of hockey's rule. Offsides occurs when player enters offensive zone (18 yard line) before ball.
3-Sport is fixed.

I am neglectful, and I don't listen

2010-01-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

It's been forever

2010-01-19T23:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Uncle Kyle,

Tell us about Africa! Also, don't tell us you're finally getting seriously with your life.

Curiously,
Suds

I'm going to be gone for a little bit

2009-12-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

Don't wait up for me, I'll be in Africa.

This could go on Forever

2009-11-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

Moffths

2009-11-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

I have these tiny moffths in the house and they bug me, Haha.
I am not fond of them, but don't want to look them up on the web because it will probably tell me they are shit moths, and I have them because I don't wash my shoes or some crap. Maybe because I eat too much non-vegan food.
They are dumb and I keep smashing them. It's about time to get some poison or whatever.

Latest Thought

2009-11-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

One of these is great, the other is really not good at all.

If I were to ever meet the man who invented the regular screwdriver, I would punch him. Man, the regular sucks.

How to Write Comedy Pt1

2009-11-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

The wrong way to do it is to put the punchline first, then set up the joke.

The right way is to write something funny.

Here's an example.

Cool Whip is like Whipped Cream just with more sugar and it's shitty.
Miracle Whip is like mayonnaise just with more sugar and it's shitty.
"Whip it" is like the original "Rollerball" just with more Ellen Paige and it's shitty.

See, it's a joke.

Halloween

2009-10-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

What did you wear this year?

All in a Day's Work

2009-10-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

A Man rings his boss and says, "I have to take a day off work, because my wife and I are having a baby."
"oh, ok."
The next day the man comes to work and his boss says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The man says, "I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2009-10-23T10:50:00.001-07:00

"Order me a Hammy's Pizza"
-Charles S. age 6

Humor in Cuneiform

2009-10-22T09:27:00.001-07:00

Humor in Uniform

2009-10-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

My commanding officer corporal from boot camp told me this story when we were on a march. It helped pass the time and me and my fellow GIs got a healthy laugh out of it. That was important because over 30% of us would later die in the Ding Dang Offensive.

Once upon a time in the Army, there were two privates named In and Out. When In was in, Out was out and when In was out, Out was in. One day, when Out was in and In was out, the lieutenant asked Out to find In and bring In in. So... he looked around the forest, found In, and brought In in. The lieutenant asked, "How did you find In so quickly?"
And he said, "In Stinks."
I forgot to mention that the privates were anthropomorphic skunks.

-Private first class alpha squadron Walter Dunnigal

More changes

2009-10-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

With the sudden closing of the Reader's Digest offices, I've been able to snap up some of the great columns in their stable. Look for updates in the next few days showing off our new material.

Words I always get wrong.

2009-10-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend my friend was asking about the difference between IRONY and COINCIDENCE.
That conversation reminded me of what I always mess up. I never use the words HUMMUS and HUBRIS correctly. They are not as interchangeable as you might think.

BIG COUNTRY

2009-10-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

IN A BIG COUNTRY

The weirdest thing

2009-10-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Itunes thinks my copy of Parts and Labors "Stay Afraid" is actually Brainiac's "stuckbunnybaby"

The weird thing is that they are both awesome albums and I sort of wish I was listening to stuckbunnybaby"

Top 5 all time movie lines

2009-09-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

1-"Play it again Sam."-Humphrey Bogart
2-"You better not be talking to me!"-Robert Deniro
3-"Say hello to my friends!"-Al Pacino
4-"Gimme some sugar baby"-Bruce Campbell
5-"I hid under your porch because I love you"-Dug

recipe for disaster

2009-08-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

gis for words

2009-07-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

This was my last google search. Somehow, I didn't find what I was looking for.

fiction book: giant walrus, spaceship, antarctica, navy seals

It was some book my brother and I read a few years ago that totally kicked ass by being way more horrible than you could imagine.

e'body i know is makin' babies

2009-07-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

always in 3s

2009-07-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

They say that famous people always die in 3s, and wow are they right.
It's one of those things that just proves to you that god has it in for you when he's calling you home. or it just means that jesus reads perezhilton.com.

Anyway, here is what just happened in the afterlife.

Michael Landon
died july 1991

Micheal Landon was famous for being an actor on television shows. He was on tv shows like "Saved by an Angel" and "Bonanza" and "Littlest House on the Prairie". He played a guy named Little Joe on all three shows. He is survived by the author of the books Laura Ingalls Wilder and the other angel Roma Downie Juniors. I think that other bearded ange lguy who also on Littlehouse might be alive, but he's not famous enough to care about.

Lee Majors Wife
died June 2009
Lee Majors wife (note, I forget if Lee Majors is the name of the actor, or just his character on 6 Million dollar Man) was married to the guy from 6 Million Dollar Man and the Fall Guy. He was not Stacy Keach though, that guy was Mike Hammer. Lee Majors wife was hot, and had a nice smile and in the 70s lots of girls made their hair lok like hers and lots of boys touched themselves when they looked at a poster of her. When she was older she got kind of weird and painted on her body with paint. She died of cancer.

Willie Mays
died june 2009
I am getting conflicting reports here. Some people say that "the say hey kid" is still alive, and other people say that "Wille Mays Here" is dead. He was known as the guy who was Barry Bond's dad and he also sold a lot of stuff on the tv. I guess you should be happy about him for one thing and be mad at him for the other. I won't tell you which one you should do, that's your choice.

I had to post this

2009-05-21T22:34:00.001-07:00

I love it when the Gaykers lose.

This is a close up photo of my toilet

2009-05-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

I think it looks like a drunken, sad frog.

what is with this rain?

2009-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

let's go back to the snow.

these guys look alike a little

2009-04-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

my cartoon man hits people then runs away

2009-04-22T11:09:00.001-07:00

http://birdflag.mybrute.com

He likes everyone to take turns hitting each other.

This is a shirt

2009-04-17T00:20:00.001-07:00

That Kyle should have. Or maybe I'm projecting.

There are two kinds of people in the world

2009-04-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

-those who take a few fries off your plate at a restaurant while you're looking and don't even ask.
-and those who wait til you're in the bathroom and drink your whole margarita and then fill the empty glass back up with lime juice.

-those who own a Rusted Root album.
-and those who have lost a fight because they couldn't stop bleeding.

-those who think a fake marriage proposal is funny.
-and those who honestly believed that Peter Scolari was going to be the breakout star of Bosom Buddies.

-those who are asians that can dunk.
-and those who would watch RuPaul in a heterosexual porn movie.

-those who don't like IPAs.
-and those who look for photoshop errors in photos published online.

-those who have seen more than 5 episodes of "Madmen".
-and those that pretend to have sex with animals when they get too drunk.

this is a movie starring fred

2009-04-02T18:36:00.001-07:00

cat video

2009-03-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

EMBED-Cat Wants Aquarium Fish - Watch more free videos

Forgotten photos

2009-03-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

What else would be better to advertise, yo?

These homeless guys keep their homeless carpet homelessly clean.

exagerated at birth

2009-03-26T20:00:00.001-07:00

alvin gentry
angelina jolie

Am I the only person in the world who prefers Shemp over Curly?

2009-03-26T10:14:00.001-07:00

Just asking.

How would I know if I caught leprosy?

2009-03-20T17:30:00.001-07:00

Webmd isn't exactly being forthright. I'm starting to think there might be some sort of giant governmental cover up on this thing. My finger hurts where my fingernail pulled away from my fingertip, and my skin has been very dry lately. Please respond.

this post is a failure

2009-03-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do this thing where I talked about how Hitler ruined a great mustache, and how nobody else can ever really shave that way again, but the whole point was that I was thinking about it because I saw a picture of Mahmoud Abdul Rauf who was my favorite basketball player while in high school, and he had the mustache for a bit, but all I can find now is pictures of him with a goatee. He might have scoured the internet and deleted them all to cover up his tracks. He does have OCD and tourets, so cockass he could have potentially assshit done it.

So instead, here's other people with Hitlerstaches.
Hitler.

This guy is in the band Sparks. I like them a lot. He is weird. His name is Ron Mael.

Robert Mugabe, he is a bad man.
Charlie Chaplin. Bad man towards women, but never killed anyone.
This is a cat, so it looks like a mustache, but that's just fur.
Oliver Hardy. He was a good man, as all fat men are jolly and good. Quick trivia, his comedy partner held a patent for a camera lens that aided the photography of very pale blue eyes. I didn't look that up, I remembered it from somewhere, so it could be wrong.

I thought this was interesting

2009-03-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

Guy gets transcript of the meeting between Lawrence Kasdan/George Lucas/Stephan Spielburg

Indiana Smith

Best part is how Lucas is a pedophile:

George — I was thinking that this old guy could have been his mentor. He could have known this little girl when she was just a kid. Had an affair with her when she was eleven.

Lawrence — And he was forty-two.

George — He hasn't seen her in twelve years. Now she's twenty-two. It's a real strange relationship.

Stephan — She had better be older than twenty-two.

George — He's thirty-five, and he knew her ten years ago when he was twenty-five and she was only twelve. It would be amusing to make her slightly young at the time.

still life in portraiture

2009-03-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

You ever meet those people who are proud of being ignorant?
I'm pretty sure this is the topic of a chris rock stand up set, and I believe it wholeheartedly, there is nothing to be gained by being woefully stupid.
Except in one case, maybe two if you count it this way.
Every time I have something above and beyond the slightest bit of computer knowledge in a work environment, it has meant I had to do more work for other people. When I know how to manage layering systems and complex x-referencing situations at work, guess what, people come ask me about it all the time. And I have to do my work, adn theirs as well. If I do know how to do it, but pretend I don't, and look stupid, then say "Ask Jessica" I only have to do my work. Knowing how to type well is a similar thing. If you can't type, you can get the receptionist to do your typing for you. If you do that though, I suggest getting them presents to make up for it.

In that vein, I've thrown together a list of words that I come across and pretend to know what they mean based on context, but am really pretty fucking ignorant about what they really mean. So here's what my brain thinks when I read these words.

ZEITGEIST
zeit means "time", gheist means "ghost". i have no idea what a time ghost is.

PARVO
it's a dog disease, but i don't know what it does.

POSSE COMITATUS
it's latin for "house pussy". or being in a monogamous relationship.

WRIT OF HABEUS CORPUS
It's a contract about living in your body. I end up thinking most latin words mean "house".

OCCIDENTAL
I forget if this means "asian" or "not asian"

SANCTIMONIOUS/SACROSANCT
sanct means "saintly", "sacr-" means "not saintly" It's all a bunch of Catholic stuff about how god is pissed at you, but he'll be cool about it later.

QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRATUM
No idea. I looked it up when somebody on the internet wrote "QED" to end an argument and I'm still lost, because I refuse to read definitions once I find them.

SEBASTOPOL
This is a place, but I don't know where. If you made me guess, I would say it's in Turkey.

SYCOPHANT/SVENGALI
It's bad people in charge of crap, but does it only refer to bad people in charge of dumb people, or kids, or is a sycophant someone who is subordinate? I don't know.

EPOCH
Something to do with time, but not ghost time.

EXPAT
Does this just mean "foreigner who is white"?

CLITORIS
girls like you to touch this magical thing on their body, but only if they already like you, but won't like you if you don't touch or haven't already touched it, or won't touch it right, so it's a catch 22.

readership is slipping, that means more ads, sorry

2009-02-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

The other week Laura gave me tickets to one of the OCT plays, a musical featuring music sung by the cast. There was also dancing. Myself and two of my acquaintances were shown to our seats, front and center two rows back. It was amazing.

Those seats would cost upwards of 4000 dollars in NY. There were however two seats slightly to the right and in front of us that remained empty, the whole of the presentation.

It made me remember all those great movies that used the empty theater seat as a plot device, perhaps overusing the cliche in fact to render it more of a deus ex machina. In Waiting for Guffman, the empty seat is famed critic Mr. X{fact department, please research this and fill correct answer before publication} Guffman who will save all these performers from the dreadful ignomy of living in Missouri. I won't ruin the denoument, but Guffman is in all actuality just some average halfwit who had once been the White Guy on The Jeffersons.
The other famous open seat in a theater set in a movie is from Rushmore, where young Max Rushmore played by that young boy who looks like Tom Cruise but more Jewish attempts to seduce his second grade teacher by inviting her to a play, a play that he wrote. The attempt fails when the empty seat is in turn taken up by the ghost doctor of her former lover. The ghost doctor lover is coincidentally played by the brother of the director, even though I don't think this is mentioned at anytime during the film.

The final famous empty seat is from Kramer versus Kramer. Drew Barrymore in one of her pre-coke binge roles, plays the youngest Kramer who is trying to stop her parents Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep in her first onscreen role) from finalizing their divorce. In a slight differentiation, the empty seat for a performance of the Vagina Monologues is not used to bring her parents together, but Drew cunningly gives the empty seat ticket to Mrs. Kramer's former tennis instructor, played ably by Peter Scolari, who's physical daliances led to the Kramer2 breakup in the first place! The final fight scene is remarkable mostly for it's highly stylized choreography, but also for the security guard that breaks it up, played by a very young Michael Richards, many years before his star breaking turn on Fridays. Astute readers and watchers would simply guffaw at the fact that this makes the scene actually Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer.

Ultimate Teams Versus Employment

2009-02-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

One thing to think about when you've been laid off is the timing.
My timing seems to be pretty similar, and it's not tied into the economy, it's tied into something much more primal. My job fate is tied directly into my ultimate team situation.

The last time I was laid off here in Portland, it was right when Scuber Du broke up. Now that Coltrane broke up, I once again find myself unemployed. I started my first Portland job in mid February 2003, and started with Scuber in March, then got laid off in August 2004, and Scuber broke up in September.
Coltrane pretty much also exactly coincided with my last place of employment, started work in late February of 2005, and started Coltrane in March. Then Coltrane broke up in September, and my work was well on it's way to four day work weeks and random forced weeks of PTO.

Is that coincidence? Or Circadian Rhythms? Or just me wanting to quit Scuber, and quit that shitty job, and then 4 years later wanting to quit captaining but not wanting to get laid off?

A lesser man would consult his tarot cards, read the horoscope, or read the tea leaves to divinate his new surroundings. I merely went into the old office and cleaned out my desk [but not too good, I made sure to leave it messy so they would have to really clean it (stickin' it to the man!)] and stole a box of tea. The tea that I liked, Decaf Earl Gray. I figure what can they do if they catch me stealing tea? Re-lay me off? I guess they could fire me and avoid paying into unemployment insurance for me, or cause my benefits to lapse or something like that. I guess that's why it's important that HENDERSON CONSTRUCTION SERVICES never finds out that I stole from them.

This year, I don't plan on really playing with a club team, but I do plan on working. The question is, will I have to go back on my plans and get onto a team just to make sure I get hired?

this is my twitter

2009-02-21T00:22:00.000-08:00

since my figlrfriend is in san farnsisco i am using this time to state my feelings.
i feel that i did not really eat ddinner only some leftover tabouli, so i went to winter league where none of my friends showed up except for easy and sara, so i came home and started drinking bers.
it's not afetr midnigth and i'm eating tha last wo hot dogs.

The High Cost of Living

2009-02-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

I recently got this email from my old co-worker Luis. Luis is from Venezuela, and came to Portland by way of Toronto. After we both got laid off last week, we discussed some of the options we have. He obviously has fewer due to his status as a foreign national here on a work visa, but he kind of evens that out since he is good at architecting and I pretty much suck at it.
Anyway, the point is that Luis was evidently contacted by a supposed Government agency that asked him what value he puts on his children. They asked him in these tough times if he were to give up one of his children to be put into a Government Secret Training Program that could potentially endow said child with either super powers or hideous deformities in the name of National Securities and also in the name of Science, which child would he be willing to give up, and how much food would he ask to be bribed in order to give up that child. I did some hacking into the com-puters to find out this data once I heard about it since it seemed so far fetched. Sort of like if 24 was written by the people what write Lost and then showed the show on The Food Network. Here is some of the data I found. The amount of food each family was willing to accept is shown below, along with the preferred family member to be experimented on circled in red. Pretty interesting stuff.

Luis is first.
This is the Anderson household from Boise Idaho.

The Humbertsons from Cobb County Georgia answered incorrectly and thought they only got to keep one kid.

The Hendrix family from North College Hill Ohio tried to trick the census takers and offer up their next door neighbor just to get one more pizza.

The Magnussons from Montpelier Vermont didn't do anything interesting, but the dad wanted a lot of beer to numb the pain.
The Van Wafers of Gross Point Michigan weren't involved in the study, and were just photographed during a garage sale they were having in order to provide a sort of median point for the study.

she said, she said. she said. ooooooo it feel so good.

2009-02-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Lux Interior passed away due to heart problems. He was good at singing.

His band was called The Cramps. He was from Stow, Ohio. He was my second favorite person ever from Stow.

How do you write an obituary?
In my case you do it poorly. I don't know anything about Lux, I just listened to his records. It would probably be even harder if I did know him. Because I'd be sadder. As it is now, he's just a guy I liked that I can't go see in concert anymore. I can still buy his albums because I don't own them all yet. I don't own anywhere near all of them, I only own three. Those three are pretty good. You should get them.

OR, you should get the ones I don't have and then let me know if you like them, so I can get them or if you don't, then you could give them to me.

I won't tell you which ones to get or not get because the one that you should get is one that I own, but if you get that one and don't love it, I can tell you "Aw yeah, you shoulda got the other one." So I don't feel bad.
Or I could say "yeah, you got the good one, and if you don't like it you're dumb." to make you feel bad.

precedent

2009-01-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

who has been the greatest fictional president in american popular culture?
Even though I never watched it, my vote is with Cerrano on 24.
I have a vague recollection of liking Kevin Kline as Dave, but not Michael Douglas as The American President. I really like Bill Pullman, but Indepentant's Day was crappy.
"Welcome to Erf!"

All the presidents from the 80s sucked. Oh no wait, the president for Superman 2 was awesome. Especially when he kneeled before Zod.

I bring this up because I was working on a new presidential biopic to pitch to the studios since I have the free time. (did that Bush one last year do well? it had Brand from Goonies in it, so it was probably sweet) I was thinking of getting Joe Morton to be Obama, but he has dreads now and looks all old. He was dope when he invented skynet in T2.

Maybe Alphonso Ribero?

super wednesday

2009-01-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

maybe i'm a little late to this party, but did any of you notice that obama has a funny name?
maybe we shouldn't have voted for him.

side note:
spell check suggests that i change "obama" to

ALABAMA
ALABAMAN
BAMBOOS
ALABAMA'S
BAMBOO

main note:
i'm just writing stuff to get my post count back up.
scrounging for readers.

and so it goes

2009-01-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

last year i was thinking about those hack jokes by stand up comics about what's the deal with airline food, and why is it so bad. but my job at the time was doing drawings for renovation work on facilities that prepare airline food. so i was just going, yeah that's the deal with airline food, airline food is stupid and you can't really joke about it anymore especially since it is really only served on international flights.
and i couldn't joke about it because it gave me money. now i pretty much don't have a job, so go ahead and say it. say that airline food sucks. so does not working.

now i just amused by the interpersonal faux pas' that are done by my immigrant grandmother. you should hear her. i do an imitation.

i'll get back into posting, slowly

2009-01-08T21:22:00.001-08:00

stupid chains

2008-12-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

my thoughts on arctic blast 2008

2008-12-22T09:28:00.001-08:00

my thoughts on arctic blast 2008

2008-12-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

Thursday Quiz

2008-12-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

How old were you when you found out what your last name was?

I think I was 5.

I had a very funny quip lined up

2008-12-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

Then I asked my boss something, and forgot it. It was very funny to me, but is now lost to the sands of time. Knowing me and my sense of humor, it probably involved me pretending to not know some sort of basic knowledge of something and then inferring something else based on it that showed some insight. That's about all I know how to do, other than fart jokes and putdowns.

do you see it, it looks you in the eye

2008-12-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

Do you think like I do?
Does it make sense?

There is an order to this world. It fights against the chaos.

i hate you

2008-12-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

public service announcement with guitars:

i put up a great post asking for captions, and nobody responds. well two people do, but it still sucks.

i get the reports on this site. i know that an average of 26 people visit every week and spend roughly 4 minutes reading it. just indulge me a little. jerks.

now back to the post...

I decided to create my own social networking site. All those other guys made mad bank just by making some crap where folks can type in their names and what movie they like and then email their other fake friends without actually using email. I needed a piece of that pie. So I reached out and tooked it.
Myspace is all about music and kids and Facebook is all about other stuff I guess. But you know what they're both not about?
They're both not about being extreme.
We need a new OPTION that could get the job done.

Visit my site:

http://WWW.X-FACESPACE.COM
(the X is for Xtreme)

My idea for the site is that it will be a site where you can listen to bands and also not use your real name and either cheat on your spouse to the max, or find out if your spouse is cheating on you to the max.

I'm now acepting offers to buy it.
Looking at you google.

A Touch of Class

2008-11-19T11:23:00.000-08:00

The real reason I wrote that last post was because it was for the special surprise.
This week is Caveman week here at birdflag. All my posts will be about cavemen.

Today features an interactive post. Look at the witty sketch above. The punchline is strangely absent. You can change that. You can add the punchline in the comments.
Get to it. Here's your opportunity to be a star. Best caption gets a beer.

Play the NB and A Basket-ball

2008-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

So easy,
A caveman can do it.

I'm just trying to get linked to by the big sports blogs. That's where the big money comes from.

The Audacity

2008-11-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

It’s been a little over a week and I still feel excited and impressed about the future. But I still don’t have a personal hovercar, or a teleporter. Maybe we’ll have to wait a spell into the first hundred days to see real change, but I guess I can be convinced to wait.

After an historic election like this, it’s always important to not only look forward and look back, but to also look to the present. Because that’s where we spend most of our daily lives living life. The past 8 years have not been personally difficult, just like the previous 8 years that happened 8 years ago were not personally awesome. Except that they pretty much were. The 8 years ago 8 years ago were when I was in college and then when I was drinking a lot and playing tons of hockey. The 8 years ago from now were filled with a lot of bad weather and I had surgery once. But don’t blame me I voted for Nader.

So back to the current or currency. Last Tuesday was a day that will live on in the days of famy (that’s the good version right? I didn’t want to say infamy). Except for that crapola with Prop 8, almost everything fell my way. Except maybe in Oregon there was something that didn’t jive right, either the kids didn’t get money or maybe the zoo babies, but ignore that for now, I’m going somewhere with this. We go into a new decade, a decade we can finally call something instead of just the Oughts. One more year of the Oughts, and then we’re going to re-energize the world with brash thinking and progressive thoughts and aggressive ideas to usher in the…shit. The decade of 2010 to 2019 doesn’t really have a thing for it either. Anyway, I think it’s important to remember that America voted for Hope and Change.

And even if you voted the other way, it’s okay, there is still a place for you.
Just remember, in today’s Modern America, we are all Minorities on the inside!

HISTORIC ELECTION

2008-11-06T12:32:00.001-08:00

NOTE: I DIDN'T DRAW THIS BUT WISH I DID.
BUT IF I DID, I WOULDN'T HAVE SCREWED UP AND LEFT OFF LBJ.
I DO LIKE THE 2 GROVER CLEVELANDS THOUGH.

This isn't over yet. Just because your candidate won does not mean the fight is over. There is still a lot of work to be done to fix this great nation. Over the past year we have focused on character, and personality, and looks, but not much on the issues. Especially not my issues. And I have a lot of issues.
I'd like to tell you about them. Here is my 16 point plan to focus on in the coming 4 years. I would say coming 8 years, but I don't want my policies to take that long to implement.

1-There need to be major tax breaks to people who by hybrid cars that look like the ZZtop dragster. Also a scientific study should be undertaken to see if the girls who appeared in the ZZtop videos from the "Eliminator" and "Afterburner" albums were supposed to be ZZtop as women, or just their psychic familiars attuned to wish granting, because that would seriously change some of my adolescent erotic fantasies. For the worse.

2-Those Hiway Deth Krosses should be banned. I always look at them when I pass and it is probably a safety hazard.

3-A worldwide trade embargo should be enforced against Husker Du until they either reform and go on tour again, or at the very least have somebody remix "Land Speed Record". I also think they should have to go back into the studio and re-record "Warehouse" with Steve Albini.

4-The CIA should assassinate Mike Brown and install Cris Collinsworth as the Owner/GM of the Bengals.

5-Ban Comic Sans font.

6-Change the word "abortion" to just "bortion". I know it's just semantics, but people would still say "A Bortion" for a while because they would forget the name change, and saying that makes it sound like one, instead of possibly a bunch, so that would cut down on them and make everyone happy without impinging on women's rights.

7-Before I go, I just want to know, what's that number one birthday sign?

8-I don't really like any type of censorship, but I really think there should be more rules about limiting porn involving vomit. Everyone draws a line somewhere, and I draw it there. I would be willing be involved in a senatorial committee to discuss pee and poo and their use in porn though.

9-We have a national anthem. We do not have a National Theme though. Luckily I have narrowed it down to two choices. Take your pick. Optimally these two songs would be played in everyone's house before they go to bed. Or maybe one at night and one in the morning.

10-Steroids should be legal in professional sports, but not amateur. This is Laura's idea. Not mine, that's why it isn't as fleshed out as my brilliant proposals above.

That's what I've got for now. Luckily we will finally have the man in charge who can take control like we need.

which leads us to...

2008-11-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

Best drinking game for the evening? A drink every time you hear "historic election?" "Maverick"?

i'm all agog right now

2008-11-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's like part nervous, part anxious, and part hungry. All three emotions.

I know both the readers live here, so there will be no tales of lines at the polling stations. Dropping a ballot off is a pretty sweet deal. Nice job OR. Anybody have a comment on voting? I don't. Except I guess in lots of places you get a starbucks drink if you have an "I voted" sticker. That's kind of bad for us here in mail in land, but I don't like coffee much anyway.

I normally shoot hoops on Tuesday night, but it might get called off due to lack of numbers. Most of the guys that play at this game work in the banking industry. I don't know if they swing red or blue really. I always assume white basketball players are Republicans, but you never can tell. They probably think the same about me.

Hell, most of you won't read this until about three weeks from now. Hope it's good news by then, right?

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE

2008-10-31T13:12:00.001-07:00

You'd think having all the time off in the world would allow me to concentrate on my blogging. Instead I spend my time building things around the house or destroying them in order to build something later. The worst thing about not working is I spend more money when I don't have to sit in an office for 9 hours a day. My normal daily expenditure usually comes down to 5 dollars a day for cart food. At home it jumps to 130 dollars a day in drywall and plumbing supplies.

moooooooooooooovies

2008-10-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

Here is the part where Kyle gets grumpy about how there is no way they can make this movie as good as the comic. I'm an optimist, maybe it will be awesome! I still probably won't see it.

the new economy of frisbee

2008-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Listen.. people be asking’ me all the time,
Yo Cruise, what's getting’ ready to happen with Frisbee?
(Where do you think Frisbee is going’?)
I tell then, You know what's going to happen with Frisbee?
Whatever's happening with us
If we smoked out, Frisbee is going to be smoked out
If we doing alright, Frisbee is going to be doing’ alright
People talk about Frisbee like it's some giant living in the hillside
coming down to visit the townspeople
We +are+ Frisbee
Me, you, everybody, we are Frisbee
So Frisbee is going where we going
So the next time you ask yourself where Frisbee is going
ask yourself.. where am I going? How am I doing?
Until you get a clear idea
So.. if Frisbee is about the people
and the.. Frisbee won't get better until the people get better
then how do people get better? (Hmmmm...)
Well, from my understanding people get better
when they start to understand that, they are valuable
And they not valuable because they got a whole lot of money
or cause somebody, think they sexy
but they valuable cause they been created by God
And God, makes you valuable
And whether or not you, recognize that value is one thing
You got a lot of societies and governments
trying’ to be God, wishing’ that they were God
They want to create satellites and cameras everywhere
and make you think they got the all-seeing eye
Eh.. I guess The Last Poets wasn't, too far off
when they said that certain people got a God Complex
I believe it's true
I don't get phased out by none of that, none of that
helicopters, the TV screens, the newscasters, the..
satellite dishes.. they just, wishing
They can't really never do that
When they tell me to fear They Law
When they tell me to try to
have some fear in my heart behind the things that they do
This is what I think in my mind
And this is what I say to them

directions

2008-10-02T21:56:00.001-07:00

Tell me what you want my next post to be about.
Politics and political commentary in these dire times, or just awesome photos of things like black Broman.

The future is in your hands.

The Craft

2008-09-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

A good writer takes notes.
Constantly observing the world around him* and compiling all those little things into knowledge. A good writer takes a little bit of trivia and weaves it into his story, deftly adding richness to the tale, without coming across as cloying. The little things that create a new world in your mind, and
A good writer, like Charles Bukowski, lets a little thing slip, he slips it right in there into your frontal lobe so quick and slippery that you don’t even notice. It’s the little things that bring you in, and Bukowski would give you the little things in spades. Things like how hard it is to lay a turd while you’re hooped up on goofballs, or what kind of bloomers those whores from the docks used to wear in the 40s.

A Bad Writer reads a news story about some guy having a stroke while laying a turd and then turns it into an entire episode of CSI: MIAMI.

*women aren’t good writers**. They write trite murder mysteries, children’s books about magical dragons, softcore porn starring rugged manual labourers, and

** Margaret Atwood is a great writer, so was Flannery O'Connor and M. Summersault’s Mom was really great too. Good isn’t “Great”. It’s “Good”. Or “Well”. Who was a dude.

You lose...always.

2008-09-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Electronic Voter Fraud

Found Jesus on Facebook

2008-09-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

Or rather, he found me...yup, thanks to the magic of facebook my middle school "boyfriend" Jesus tracked me down. Don't tell Kyle though, b/c he thinks he is my first boyfriend ever. In middle school our PE teacher called him Jesus -- like the english pronunciation, not Hey-suz, like the spanish way.

Actually it was pretty cool to see what became of him -- he went to fancy private high school -- Central Catholic -- not ghetto Parkrose. But he's in the Navy, married, kid, all that jazz. I need to update my profile so that I seem more cool and interesting.

Ecprehend the Comonomy

2008-08-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously....view this series of presentations.

Crash Course

is this the end of zombie shakespeare?

2008-08-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Every year at this time, a man's fantasy's turn to Football.

This year I'm interested in playing with people who read this blog. Only reading is important, if it was posting comments, it would be a two team league. We're doing this the way Lombardi intended it. Easy rules, just like packer sweep.
Do Your Job Better Than The Other Team.
-16 teams Head to Head scoring.
Roster
1 QB
2 RB
2 WR
1 TE
1 TEAM DEFENSE
1 WILD CARD
Kickers are for queers.

Post your interest in the comments and I'll tell you where to sign up.
Live Draft Next Week.

The Masses

2008-08-20T06:28:00.001-07:00

What is the most important thing in natrual selection/evolution? This is a trick question since most will say how well suited a species is to its environment. The reality is that it is populations size, or in other words how widespread a given mutation becomes. Even the best suited species cannot compete against large numbers of average suited species.
SO...in human existance what is the most important trait; the ability to critically reason or the ability to blindly follow. I will acknowledge that for this discussion I assume that these are genetic characteristics even though this is not fundamental to the argument. It would be assumed that a human that can critically observe its surroundings and make learned decisions would be the most successful...yes, if it was a one on one struggle with a human that had a lesser ability to do this (also assuming this does not include mortal combat). However, people who are more easy to manipulate (whether genetic or human produced), act in large masses and are quick to act compared to the reasoned individual. Does this then mean that in human society, the lockstep mass movements of those that are lesser critical thinkers will triumph over the rag tag poderers?

What happened to Mase?

2008-08-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

Diddy can't sleep cuz he is in love with his work. I saw a couple minutes of some show where people compete to be Sean Combs' assistant. In the show, Mr. Combs butchers the entire meaning of a common cliche.

The cliche: You can't see the forest through the trees.

With this, there is an assumption in the statement that it is desirable to see the forest...there is some value for the observer in seeing the forest.

Mr. Combs' version: If you can't see the forest through the trees, then you better cut down those fu*kin' trees.

It is obvious that he does not understand the meaning of the saying, that observing the forest has nothing to do with the physicality of what is being observed, but the perspective/focus of the observer. As you all know...the trees are the forest and you destroy the value of that object! This is an easy analysis and not much discussion to be had. But you have to think, what a badass to make a bold statement that he is so ignorant of his own ignorance.

Have you witnessed somebody totally butchering the meaning of a common cliche?

I Can't Drive 55...

2008-08-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

I just experience their kangaroo court in Bloomingdale, GA. I was supposedly clocked at 67 in a 45...I was not going over 60 since I thought it was 55; I was probably wasn't going over 55 since I was in a long line of cars. In any event, I was pulled over under very questionable circumstances. I was 'strongly' urged to go to court by the officer becuase "the judge will usuall help you out with points." So I went... and realized I was part of a scam to rake in money. EVERYONE'S (as a blanket statement before the 'judge' heard any cases) "speed was reduced" as to not add points to your license. In other words, they don't want any indicator of your ticket to go to the state or insurance companies so that they don't find out about their little money making scheme. SO, they jack up your speed, as to increase the graduated fine; a fine that can be only paid with cash or money order and have an ATM on site. Also, for a couple teenagers and college students, the judge gave them a choice of "a stiff fine" or "defensive driving school AND five visits to church." Absolutely rediculous.

I reported to the county DA. The woman who I was 'forced' to speak to told me, "honey, I know the judge personally, he isn't doing anything wrong." I argued around in circles for about 10 minutes about topics such as the correlation between church and speeding and misrepresenting speeds to increase fines and I was told I would have to go speak to that court. Boy, that should work. I have come to find out that everybody knows this about this town and look the other way. It was quite interesting.

TAKE THE GOOD TAKE THE BAD TAKE THEM BOTH AND THERE YOU HAVE

2008-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Adam brought a good point earlier in the comments. Of course I forgot what it was, but it made me think of a greater point. On one hand you got crimes, on the other hand you got morals. Take my list of “hypothetical” acts below, copy and paste them into the comments, and arrange them from most heinous to least in order of moral outrage that the act fills you with.

-BUILDING A NUCLEAR REACTOR IN YOUR GARAGE
-INTENTIONALLY KILLING A SQUIRREL
-DRIVING AFTER 3 BEERS
-HOOKING UP WITH A FAT GIRL YOU WILL NEVER TALK TO AGAIN
-MAKING FUN OF OLD PEOPLE TO THEIR FACE ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM CRY
-STEALING MONEY FROM RETARDED PEOPLE
-FIXING PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENTS IN ORDER TO GAMBLE ON THEM LEGALLY AND PAYING TAXES ON YOUR WINNINGS

Okay?
Now, copy them again and put them in order of what you feel deserves the most jail time.

Basketball Diaries

2008-07-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

In summary: And1 and ESPN are responsible for destroying the fundamentals of modern basketball and have done more to hurt the abilities of african americans to succeed in our society today than crack, the CIA and Muggsy Bogues combined.

FALSE.

The fundamentals of modern basketball suffer from the same socioeconomic system that produces extreme wealth disparities and a permanent underclass that does not have the same cultural access to societal resources.

What is And1 Basketball? - It is playground basketball.

So, if this style is being adopted by youngsters at a larger scale than previously, what are the factors that influence this. My hypothesis:

This is streetball that has developed out of urban centers, urban centers that have been in decline since the 1970s. This is where much of the social underclass has been located.

Wherewhan do kids learn about team sports? - In schools or community based sports league that tends to come with some type of "expert" coaching/instruction.

Who pays for these programs? - People in the community/taxpayers. In an area that is economically depressed, people cannot pay for luxuries like organized sports. There has been a lack of community programs and these athletic programs (along with music programs) are the first to be cut from struggling school districts.

If there is no organized outlets, kids learn in the street and will focus on those skills that are important in that setting, i.e. crazy dribbling moves (no ref=no traveling) instead of setting screens, dunking instead of jumpshots.

Still, why has this migrated to suburban areas and had a larger effect on basketball? - This style of basketball is flashy and individualistic and this is attractive to youngsters. Also correlates with an culture that inspires individualism over teamwork and cooperation.

In summary, issues with basketball, such as the propogation of street style basketball, are a symptom of socioeconomic pressures, NOT the cause of those issues. What could be said is that And1 expoit and profit off this outcome and therefore assist in its cultural spread since it now generates capital profits for investors.

The real question...how do you deal with this phenomenon?

Quick Thoughts

2008-07-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

In the classic Nintendo game Megaman, you fought robots that had special powers that they were named after. Stuff like Hammerman, Screwman, Sawman, Whirlwindman, and Tortureman. And once you beat them, you got to take over their special power. I don't have a comment to make, I just think that's pretty cool, and have based my entire life philosophy around that recently.

I was getting a burrito this week for lunch (what else is new, huh, I love those things.) and right behind me in line was a woman and her two 13 year old kids (acquaintances?) waiting to recycle their jarritos bottles. They had already eaten. Suddenly a middle aged voice from behind me piped up "Thanks again for the lunch mom, it was really good." I chuckled to myself thinking that the mother was one hell of a douchey passive aggressive old fart to try and pry a thank you out of her kid that way. Then I stepped out of the way after giving my order and the one young girl said to the woman manning the cart "Can I recycle this here?" In the exact same creepy middle aged voice! It was her all along. She was in fact a very polite young girl who had been cursed with the voice of mama from mama's family. Or maybe a young patti/selma or something. I tell you, it was unnerving. My burrito tasted like a mockery of the sanctity of life. Icould barely enjoy it, but I got green sauce so I could.

If I was a judge, I'd be one of those weirdo judges who sentences criminals to bizarre and borderline "cruel and unusual" punishment sentences.

things like:
YOU GOTTA READS THE BIBLE!
I'MA MAKE YOU WEARS A SANDWHICH BOARD WHAT SAYS YOU ARE A THIEF
I SENTENCE YOU TO NO MORE BABIES UNTIL YOU LEARN ENGLISH
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/5777

Please post your punishments in the comment box.

Hand Solo

2008-07-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

I busted my hand up the other day. It doesn't want to bend at the wrist and is pretty weak gripwise. I'm like the old GI Joe before he got the kungfu grip. My hand is all shitty at holding things. Rifles, binoculars and tent stakes fall right out and into the heating vent before mom vacuums them up and yells at me when Uncle Sam's head ruins the beater bar on the Hoover.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. He told me, yep it's busted. Then he sent me to the xray technologists. Unfortunately, his office hours are MonTueFri. SO I don't know if I have Prognosis Negative. He might have called work, but I'm at home instead as part of that ongoing Work Release Program the Government set up with me. I'll have to call him I guess. More to come on that unified front.

But as I thought about Luke, it made me realize that Lucas had some weird shit going on with people getting their hands cut off and then thrown down holes. Seriously think about it.
LUKE IN EMPIRE
EMPEROR PALPASHMEAR IN RETURN
DARTH NINJA IN EPISODE 1 WHATEVER THE HELL IT'S CALLED
BOBAFETTE SUMMER IN RETURN
MOLA RAM IN TEMPLE
ANAKIN'S PENIS IN ATTACK OF THE CLONEAWILLYS

I guess I'm saying that Lucas is fucked in the brain. Combine him being all scared of holes (vaginas) with all the incest stuff, and the muppet babies thing he kept doing in the prequels and it appears he has a touch of THE ISSUES. Thoughts?

On the Disabled List

2008-07-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

I visited home for a week and learned that my sister's family had Wii. This was my first time playing and it was frickin great! The Wii is fun as hell. I did not play any complex games, mostly Wii sports, except for a FIFA soccer game.
Flash forward...my forearm/elbow hurts! I have tennis elbow from a video game that I only played spuriously over a period of 3 days! I played tennis all of high school and never had any arm pain, but I play Wii bowling and tennis over a three day period and I have trouble lifting my daughters. You know you are old when it is not sports that put you out of commission, but a video game.
More eerily, though, is that I was predicting to my wife that there is going to be a rash of Wii related tendinitis, tennis elbow, and carpal tunnel. Yes, this had already been all over the Internet, but I had not been privy to the Wii yet.
So the question is whether or not the Wii is a devil in a blue dress?

Walk Tall

2008-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

A few Fridays ago I was walking downtown and I passed a luxurious bus outside a hotel. Getting out of the bus were some large men of the african american persuasion. They weren't large enough to be that impressive, and since the NB and A is out of session, I knew they had to be the And1 fellas. (I guess I could have guessed it to be Snoop's posse) I ended up being right because the And1 fellas were plastered all over the side of the bus, Escalade, Professer, and Hotsauce are readily noticeable and undoubtedly household names.
Then I noticed that they were filming the guys getting off the bus, and I was going to walk right past them. I would be on film. This could lead to my discovery.
I was ecstatic. Unfortunately I was wearing a polo over my RAMONES tshirt, otherwise I would have looked super slick. Then I realized I was listening to the Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack and I felt very selfconcious and not tough anymore, and I think SkiptoM'Lou would beat me up if he knew how much I like the song "wig in a box"

In summary: And1 and ESPN are responsible for destroying the fundamentals of modern basketball and have done more to hurt the abilities of african americans to succeed in our society today than crack, the CIA and Muggsy Bogues combined.

Sincerely, Birdflag

Birdflag is a reculsive kook whos letters to the editor have appeared in such varied publications as the Cincinnati Enquirer, Guns Illustrated, and Mother Jones magazine since 1985.

9 Times

2008-07-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

So, today I just started working my 9th day in a row. Nine times. I haven't been skipping school. Since Kyle decided to show you every minute of his life on Monday, here's a glimpse of mine from the last nine days.

I show up at 7:30 and get in a bunny suit. They're made of Gore-Tex, so they aren't exactly cool. Here's a video of what they look like and what the fab looks like.

Now imagine wearing one of those in this really noisy room and all of these machines blaring out stupid ice cream truck songs all day long. OK, good, now, you're standing for 10 hours and you have your head stuck inside one of these trying to fix it.

That's my life from the last nine days.

blogs come in threes

2008-06-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

12:00-Went to the grocery store. It turns out they have discounted meat that's just about to go bad on sale during the day. These are the things that most workabout folks never get to learn. I feel like I'm part of the secret club now. I bought a chunk of pig shoulder to celebrate.

1:00-I'm finally going to get that chimney fixed. I have a spot where the mortar spalled off, and water can get down into the inner workings, I'll just put on a quick layer of mortar and seal that off good.

1:01-Holy shit is it hot up there. I'm going to save that job for dusk.

1:10-One of my summer plans is to paint my house's exterior, so first I need to power wash off some of the loose paint.

1:30-Well that doesn't do much. Now I just have a wet house. I'm going to start cooking my pork instead. Chores are over.

live bloggin 2 electric blogaloo

2008-06-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

9:00-I want to bake some bread, and drink.
I'll probably go to the store soon and be away from the terminal for a while

9:10-Try to hang a mirror, install a catfeeder and mount the dustbuster. Mount it on the wall that is.
Those are my chores for the day.

9:30-I'm going to be in trouble. The catfeeder hits a snag, and I need my girlfriend's input. I'll finish that when she gets back home tonight. The other two go up fine.

9:35-Watch the new People's Court. Quick tug job to Marilyn Milian.
Did you know that on the original People's Court, Rusty the Bailiff had worked the Manson Family Murders case? True Dat. Look it up.

LIVE BLOGGIN' THE DAY AWAY

2008-06-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm going to run with something here. The daily blog of my life as it happens. As far as I know, no one has ever given a straight up blow by blow shot of their life right as it happens, so I'll be the first and pardon the typeos since this is going all the way live.

7:10-Get up.

7:15-I don't have to go to work today because my office is running slow. We are on forced mandatory 4 day work week and we only get paid for those 4 days. It's better than being fired, but it's leading up to being fired, so the good news is that I might have more time to write in the blog. Google ad revenue can keep me afloat if I could just get a couple more thousand hits.

7:20-Cook up some whites only scrambled eggs for my girlfriend who does have work. Not that I'm super fancy, or even super racist, but I used a bunch of yolks last night to start making gelato. And since I'm about to get fired, I need to consume food sparingly. Sort of like the indians and the buffaloes.

8:00-I must be allergic to eggs.

8:15-Girlfriend leaves for work, good thing too because I will soon be living off her.

8:16-Turn on The View, quick tug job to Sherri. Harder than you think beause Joy Behar keeps popping up on the screen.

8:30-I'm bored. Maybe I should go back to bed.

Summer Blockbuster Review Squad

2008-06-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

I live in a world where the fancy restaurant I go to has three pictures on the wall of famous people that have been there and one of them is Tom Skerrit, another was a guest star on Night Court and the third person didn’t even sign their headshot. My fancy restaurant has more than one name on the marquis and no one knows the name of the head chef. This is not the kind of world I want to live in.

That’s why it is so refreshing to be able to get out and immerse myself in a world that is so fabulous and fantastical, yet so real and seems almost within my grasp! That’s the main reason I have such a love for Sex and the City. Even though I never saw it on TV, I liked the commercials, and I loved the trailer, so I saw the movie.

I don’t want to ruin the plot with SPOILERS, so I’ll just give my random rolling thought process about the movie.

-I always thought that the one was Katie Holmes. Maybe she is, or maybe she’s not. She’s probably the most bangable one out of them all.
-Regarding SJP I wonder if even she thinks her husband is gay? One time my mom told a young girl that she looked like her, even though my mom probably only knew her from Square Pegs, the actress not the girl that looked like her, and then my mom said “but only in the face”, which is the worst part about her obviously.
-I was surprised that they made the old gay one not old and gay in the movie but only old. Her neck looks like it’s 2 feet long, and either it’s really bad CGI to do that or maybe it’s really good CGI since she’s even grosser looking than that normally. I kind of got lost in the side part where she was sick or something. I started daydreaming about re-filming SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS with this cast, and how ridiculous that would be.
-Kim Cattral should go the way of Dianne Cannon, where she’s all famous and people pretend she’s still hot, but they only do that to be nice since she really isn’t anymore, and they can’t even really remember why she’s famous. I bet they could do a remake of JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING and instead of special effects they could just recreate the monster by filming a close up of her roast beef curtains.
-Chris North hasn’t been that good on screen since season two of LAW AND ORDER: RAPE PATROL. Is he the gay one from the Julia Roberts movies?

I smell Sequel.

things used to mean things

2008-06-16T15:54:00.001-07:00

Time was a thing meant a thing. There were standards and there were protocols. If you said a thing it meant a thing. A symbol wasn't just a picture, it was an idea. When you saw a crying indian, then you knew there was a littering. A man with a spiderweb tattoo on his elbow had shanked a minority in prison. Shoes hanging on an electrical line meant you knew where you could get yourself into a pile of narcotics.

Now a crying indian just lost his place at the waterslide. A spiderweb tattoo is on page 17 in the lower left hand corner of book C in the flash book of every tattoo parlor in town. And a pair of shoes hanging from the sky just means that some fatty got sloppy and got hisself chased down by bullies and let his shoes get tied together and thrown up into the utilities in a procedure that can often take upwards of 7 tries.

It's just a shame that the impact is cheapened by repetition.

I guess I blame the internet.

VH1'S REMEMBER THE 80S

2008-06-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

Remember skinny ties? and the McDlt?
Man, we were crazy back then.

Honkies all played basketball like durdurdurdurrrr.
but brothers played hoops all like zuuuuuuzuuuuuuuzuuuuuuuu.

Man that was hype.

At least we can now live the glory days of the NB and A.

What's your pic for the finals?

DUUMB DUMB DUMB DUUUMB, DUMB DUMB DUUUUMB

2008-05-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

I saw the new Indy yesterday. I had my fingers crossed that the movie would rise to expectations, especially since I was intrigued from reading more of the backstory to Indy's life previously. I was encouraged that Ford was playing the appropriately aged character which would introduce a new facet (possibly realism) to Indy's exploits. I was wrong. Speilberg and Lucas have continued to push me into being a grumpy old man. This comment from a review of the movie I read today sums up this feeling, "... for those of you that feel that the new Star Wars Movies robbed your childhood, expect some molestations from Uncles' George and Steven..."
The story, the acting, the effects...all completely over the top and plastic. There was no character in the characters, including Indy. It was completely cheap gags and mindless action without tension. In the other movies, events and artifacts were there for reasons and it felt as if you were solving the riddles with Indy. In this one, you are lead by a leash through the plot with an occasional unexplained event (i.e. scary little blowgun fighters at a gravesite, which are there just for action and have no explained context).
What I always liked about the Indy movies is that they SEEMED epic in scope. The vision was wide and were able to take you to new places, even Temple of Doom. This installment had a cloistered feel to it, like you felt you were on the soundstage with the actors.
Finally, even with the supernatural overtones in the previous movies, I could suspend my disbelief and indulge in the story. I just watch all of the previous three in the last week and still had this feeling and even picked up on little things that I never noticed previously that added more realism (i.e. Indy and Marcus briefly discussing international agreements on artifact recovery in the beginning of Raiders). This movie along with its forced story never allowed my disbelief to be harnessed because the BANG was intentionally or unintentionally delivered in the beginning of the movie. SPOILER - the crystal skulls are of aliens! I don't have an issue with this, but done very poorly in a franchise that thrived on suspense, mystery, and tension.
Overall, this movie had great potential with everything that it contained, but its orchestration completely short in becoming more than the sum of its parts. Not the worst movie, that is still Troll 2, but disappointing.

Thematic

2008-05-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

What's the term for when you type out sounds of stuff?
I want to say onomotapeia, but that's just because I like that word.
It's not the right word.

Anyway, I'm going to type out a word version of a theme song. In the comments, guess the song, then type out your own.

Dun du dun Daaaaaaah
dundu duuuh
Dun du dun DAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
dundu dun dun dun duuuh.

and those 7 were all me

2008-05-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

birdflag
(s30birdflag)

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The Give and Take

2008-05-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

They say that strong communication skills are the backbone of any relationship. I agree.
This applies to the relationship I have with my bank teller, as well as the relationship I have with my girlfriend. With my bank teller it is important that I don’t communicate how I feel that if she lost a few pounds she’d be cuter. With my girlfriend it’s important that I communicate how much I will enjoy watching Dancing with the Stars even if I’m lying.
Communication isn’t just about talking things over in a conversation. Sometimes it’s about Telling Facts.
It is always important to firmly and decisively inform your domestic partner of any ultimatums you happen to come up with. For example:

We recently got a cat.
It’s a fully formed adult cat that our friend could no longer take care of. Being older, it came with an attached name; “Oscar”. Now, I have a nephew that goes by that same name. I also have a pre-existing condition where I think that sleeping with your pets is stupid. Sleeping is for sleeping, I heartily enjoy laying down at night and getting uninterrupted sleep. I don’t get up and pee (unless I’m drunk), I don’t toss and turn, I don’t check on things, I don’t get up to jot things down, and I don’t snack.
Taking these issues into account, I offered up only three ultimatums about getting a pet.

1-My nephew is Oscar, so the cat gets a new name.
2-The cat does not sleep in our room because the cat is not allowed in the room in the first place.
3-under no circumstances will there ever be more than 2 cats allowed in our house at one time. 3 cats or more is scientifically proven to make you mumble to your self and become a spinster.

I think it was important to talk over these ultimatums and prove that we have good communication skills with each other.

dreams are the thoughts of kings

2008-05-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream where I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos. The winning video was of a man with the Downs. He had become a policeman and was conducting a raid on a home. He ran down the porch with one of those hand held battering rams, and swung at the door but missed. He ran smack dab into the door and the door knob hit him right in the crotch. The camera then showed reaction shots of the audience.

Baby Mama

2008-04-25T10:35:00.001-07:00

Hollywood and Television hate old ladies. They also sorta hate old dudes too, but mostly old ladies. In many instances of casting parental and childrenical roles, the parental figure is too young to have even sired (what’s the female word for that, seared?) the offspring in question.
I could not find accurate info on my keynote example The Karate Kid, because the actress plying Daniel la Russo’s mother refused to admit her age.

Here we go:

Frasier:
The dad from Say Anything was old enough to be Ione Skye’s dad, but just barely old enough to be Frasier’s dad on Frasier. He is only fifteen years older in real life, meaning he would been getting his teen bone on early and often with repercussions. Frasier’s mom is dead or something in the show.

Trivia 1: Frasier also played a guy named Frasier on the hit show “Cheers”
Talk about typecasting!
Trivia 2: Say Anything dad did not become lame in between Say Anything and Frasier, he was acting!
Trivia 3: I want to have sex with Ros’s voice, but not the actress who played her. Science, get on this and invent something!

Manchurian Candidate:
Laurence Harvey was only two years younger than his on screen mom Angela Lansbury.

Trivia 1: Having a kid when you’re two would be gross bonin’ for her, especially when you add in the 9 months for gestating.
Trivia 2: I unofficially think Angela was totally hot because she looks a lot like my grandma. That would be gross bonin’ for me.

Forest Gump:
Sally Fields is only ten years older than Tom Hanks.

Trivia 1: This movie sucked.
Trivia 2: Sally Fields might have played a role where she boned Tom Hanks. They were in a movie called Punchline and I never saw it but I think they might have boned in it.

Webster:
In a show that blatantly ripped off the premise of Diff’rn’t S’trokes, Webster was about a young africanised American boy adopted by a white family. The only difference is Mrs. Garret was the maid in one, and then George Popadopilis treated Ma’am like a maid. Other than that, same damn thing. Except for no Gooch.
The “child” actor who portrayed Webster in the show’s first 3 seasons was really twenty seven year old genetic freak Emannuel Day Lewis, while George Popadopilis was played by recently retired Detroit Lions linebacker Alex Karras who had been forced out of the NFL the year before with chronic knee injuries at the age of twentysix.
Trivia 1: The final two seasons of Webster were straight to syndication and Webster was portrayed by an animatronic model built by Jim Henson Productions.

Honorable Mention:
Back to the Future

Michael J. Fox is only ten days younger than Lea Thompson, the actress who plays his mother, and is almost three years older than his on-screen dad, Crispin Glover. But this movie is about Time Travel, and that’s messed up so it might not count.
Trivi 1: Futureboy is three years older than Chase, but Chase still calls him "a good kid".

Downtown Food Guide

2008-04-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

Are you downtown? Are you hungry?
Let birdflag blog help you fill your belly!

I'm willing to impart everything I know about finding the best food, and the best deals in beautiful downtown Portland. Everything from fancy sitdown, to cart life. This post has it all.

HONKIN HUGE
Location: Pioneer Square

This place sucks. Typical American style quantity over quality, honkin' Huge offers a giant burrito that you have to eat with a fork because it doesn't wrap up right, and is made with diced tomatoes (not even salsa), canned beans, and gubmint cheese.

Item to get: Nothing.

EN FUEGO'S

Location: SW corner of Pioneer Courthouse

The drummer from Stars of Track and Field used to work here and he made the best burrito downtown. Now it's some spacy chick, but she's still ok.

Item to get: Small chicken w/ yogurt, no salsa and tapatio/sweet chili in a whole wheat tortilla.

PACO'S TACOS

Location: 3rd and Alder

Weird thing here, is the red and green salsas are a little different than anywhere else, and the rice has canned peas in it. It's really tasty, but if you look at it too much it looks like a really bad drunk dookie in a tortilla.

Item to get:
Carne Asada Burrito. Except I've ordered the Carne Asada Burrito before and gotten 4 tacos.
Mistake aside, they were great tacos.

MEXICAN FOOD

Location: Just a little North of Paco's

This cart has the best art.

Item to get: Go to Paco's instead. The Carne Asada Burrito here is the exact same quality as paco's, but costs 5 bucks compared to 4.50. And when you pay 4.50 for lunch, and they try to give you change, it's easy to look like a big man and just wave at them to throw the change in the tip jar. be a big man.

TAQUERIA CHARLIE VILLANUEVA
Location: something like 4th and oak. But it's not. I forget exactly where it is. It's right by Ruth's Chri's S'teak Hou'se

The strong classic burrito made by Mexicans*, for Mexicans**. Guy has the best moustache of any cart owner, and always calls you amigo.

* probably from Honduras.

**white people.

Item to get: Carne Asada Burrito

KING BURRITO
Eccoli Row on the Bus mall

Item to get:
Carne Asada Burrito, make sure you pay extra so you get to see th eold hispanic man who looks like a cross between William Holden and Slim Whitman make change with his paddle like hand that only has 3 fingers.

LOS LOCOS BURRITOS
Location: almost exactly right next to King Burrito, only an ATM separates them.

Their version of rice is cooked into paste, somewhere between the consistency of wall paper paste and instant oatmeal when you forget to add a little extra water and cook it in the microwave.

Item to get:
Nothing. I did once get a chicken mole burrito without cheese and was able to choke it down.

BirdFlag

Question.

Decision 2010

Decision 2010

New Brackets

andong

Something I worked on Earlier.

I solve sports volume 2: baseball

I solve sports volume 1: soccer

I am neglectful, and I don't listen

It's been forever

I'm going to be gone for a little bit

This could go on Forever

Moffths

Latest Thought

How to Write Comedy Pt1

Halloween

All in a Day's Work

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Humor in Cuneiform

Humor in Uniform

More changes

Words I always get wrong.

BIG COUNTRY

The weirdest thing

Top 5 all time movie lines

recipe for disaster

gis for words

e'body i know is makin' babies

always in 3s

I had to post this

This is a close up photo of my toilet

what is with this rain?

these guys look alike a little

my cartoon man hits people then runs away

This is a shirt

There are two kinds of people in the world

this is a movie starring fred

cat video

Forgotten photos

exagerated at birth

Am I the only person in the world who prefers Shemp over Curly?

How would I know if I caught leprosy?

this post is a failure

I thought this was interesting

still life in portraiture

readership is slipping, that means more ads, sorry

Ultimate Teams Versus Employment

this is my twitter

The High Cost of Living

she said, she said. she said. ooooooo it feel so good.

precedent

super wednesday

and so it goes

i'll get back into posting, slowly

stupid chains

my thoughts on arctic blast 2008

my thoughts on arctic blast 2008

Thursday Quiz

I had a very funny quip lined up

do you see it, it looks you in the eye

i hate you

A Touch of Class

Play the NB and A Basket-ball

The Audacity

HISTORIC ELECTION

which leads us to...

i'm all agog right now

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE

moooooooooooooovies

the new economy of frisbee

directions

The Craft

You lose...always.

Found Jesus on Facebook

Ecprehend the Comonomy

is this the end of zombie shakespeare?

The Masses

What happened to Mase?

Meta