Help Me Obi Wan, You're My Only Hope

Trivia: Alec Guiness thought Star Wars was dumb, so he forced Lucas to kill him in the first movie.

Okay, so back when I was a kid, my dad bought a bunch of star wars figures and left them in the box. This was purely speculative. This was before the movie was a hit, and people really started collecting
them. So they are the 12 back ones, he bought them just a few miles from the Kenner distributor. He says he was being smart, I think he probably was buying presents for us ahead of time and just forgot
about them in the attic.

So he finds them later, pretty much mid 90s and gives them to me. I put them in another box, add some figures i have, like a wolverine in box, secret wars spiderman, that sort of crap, and then do nothing. Maybe the story needs a bit here where I detail the box, like it is an acid free preservation box for archival purposes. But that would be lying. It was a white cardboard box, the kind doughnuts come in, with a flip top and those tabs to keep it sort of closed. The only thing special about it was that I wrote “STAR WARS FIGS” on it. In three distinct rows. I should have written FIGURES, to differentiate them from Mediterranean dried fruit but it messed with the spacing.

I don't sell them when the re-release happens, or the shitquel movies. I give them back to him and move out here. He finds them again when they start ebaying all sorts of their stuff.

He decides to do them one at a time, instead of in a lot, or putting separate items all at once. But he tells people that he has about 10 of these things. He puts on a c3po and gets 300 bucks. He gets like
250 for death star guy in bowling ball hat. I tell him that the han solo is worth a lot because it's small headed. Or big headed.
Whatever. I just remember it’s better because it’s the one that looks more like Harrison Ford than Greg Neibur.

Then he gets this email through ebay from a guy saying, "before you put any more items up, you should email me, this is important and
serious"
My parents email him back and he asks if they have an Obi Wan, and what does it look like. He then tells them this story about the Extending Lightsaber*1. And asks if they can see if it exists on this figure. They say it does look different, and then email him tons of pictures of the box and the saber, and all sorts of crap. He says he's a buyer for some other guy and is willing to make them a deal.

My parents email some other guy in canada who bought the 3cpo and was nice to them about how to label the quality of the figs, and he tells them that the Obi Wan with extending lightsaber is the holy grail
amongst fatbeards who live in their mother's basement. So it is real, and good luck to them.

They end up getting a cashier's check dated for the future, and then they send out this Obi Wan with huge insurance on the USPS.
Then they tell me about it. I guess they've been scammed, but whatever, it's just a toy. The package arrives safely, the guy asks for a slight refund due to damage on the back of the card, and the check goes through in a shocking development.
They send me my portion in the mail, and I earmark it for bathroom renovations.
It ends up paying for mostly nothing as I live an extravagant lifestyle beyond my means. I believe the money eventually goes into my Burrito Fund.

*1 As a three year old I alternated between thinking this was called a LIGHTSAVER or a LIFESAVER.
What the hell word is a saber to a kid?

dear irs this story is fiction do not audit my taxes