Sorry I've been Lax: I can't concentrate with my current familial drama
Some of you might have noticed I was a little out of sorts during the Kleinman weekend. It was because my mind was in another place, as I was wondering how my dad’s surgery was going. I was told on that Friday that he might never walk again. Here’s what happened…
Rogue Bear on the Rampage
Courtesy of the Lexington Herald
BY LES HANCOCK
HAVING delivered the last of his explosives to seismic crews working on the Alaska Highway, George G-Stoff, a 58-year-old teacher from Cleveland, Ohio decided to stop off at the Big Bone Lick State Park. There, his 15-year-old dog, Annie, and her friend Tweed, who were along for the ride, could enjoy a swim.
As G-Stoff relaxed beside the springs, watching the girls play, terrifying screams suddenly erupted from the park's famous Hanging Gardens. The sound jolted G-Stoff to his feet.
He rushed along a rain-slicked boardwalk and up some wooden stairs to reach the gardens' viewing platform -- and stopped, horrified. On the wooden structure, a huge bear straddled a young boy beside the motionless form of a woman. Both were covered with blood from deep gashes in their swimsuit-clad bodies.
PATTI M_ had been driving north from Paris, Texas, for over a week, heading for Alaska to start a new life. The vivacious 37-year-old mother hoped to get a job there and raise her two kids, Kelly, 13, and Kristin, seven.
Climbing a flight of steps through the bush, they came to a viewing platform. So intent were mother and son on identifying the exotic plants, they paid no attention to a rustling in the bushes beside the boardwalk. M_ glanced at her watch. "Kelly, I'm worried about Kristin. I'm going to find her."
M_ started down the wet steps. As she reached for the railing to steady herself, something drew her attention. She looked up into the eyes of a black bear -- a big adult male sitting in the shrubbery chewing on a dogwood branch.
Cautiously, Kelly edged towards his mother. The bear snorted, then lunged through the railing and onto the boardwalk. "Mom! Run!"
Kelly saw in horror the bear engulf his mother's almost naked body with its own. Despite his slight stature, the 13-year-old ran at the creature and kicked it in the face. "Get off my mom!"
The bear looked up, grunted and went back to its prey.
Searching for a weapon, Kelly snatched up a sawed-off tree limb. With a strength born of anger, he smashed at the bear's head, all the while screaming for help.
The sight of his mother's blood on the bear's canines spurred Kelly on. Lunging furiously with his stick, he hit the animal squarely on the nose, drawing blood. The bear growled and swung a paw at Kelly, ripping deep claw marks into his neck and shoulders.
His mother lay beside him, her skin ashen, her eyes open and unblinking. He tried to crawl towards her, but the bear pounced again, tearing chunks out of his flesh. The animal's foul, rancid breath made Kelly want to vomit. He closed his eyes. He knew he was about to die.
George G-Stoff quickly took in the horrifying scene. Grabbing a fallen tree branch, he hammered it against the railing.
"Hey! Get off!" he yelled. The bear paid no attention. G-Stoff tore off a bigger branch and rammed it into the bear's stomach, hoping to push the animal away from the child.
The bear rose from his victim and charged towards G-Stoff. The impact knocked him right through the railing, bear and man tumbling into the bush. Clad only in his swim trunks, G-Stoff tried to protect his body from the bear's slashing claws by scrambling on his knees to a tree and covering his head with his hands.
FRANK NERDLINGER, 71, was lounging on a deck overlooking the lower pool when he heard the screams. Just a bunch of kids, he thought. Then he heard shouts: "Help!" "Bear!" "Get a gun!" He immediately took off in their direction.
At the viewing platform, there were two bloodstained bodies on the deck. But it was the terrifying scene below the deck that was riveting. G-Stoff, still alive, was struggling weakly. The bear's jaws were clamped tight around his ankle, its claws slashing at his already torn and bloody body. He was a one man action force fighting the oldest enemy of man, the bear, also known as Nature’s Furry Hell Tank.
Nerdlinger, with a history of heart attacks, was exhausted but vainly continued to pound away at the bear. He turned to the other victims, and knelt beside M_ and felt for a pulse. He knew the woman was dead, but his training dictated that he try to resuscitate her.
Just then Kelly moaned, and Nerdlinger rushed to his side.
Suddenly the bear's left paw curled over the edge of the deck centimetres from Kelly's feet.
Furious, Nerdlinger stood up and delivered a weak ineffective kick with his hiking boots. The animal staggered back, but instead of retreating, it moved down the slope towards the boardwalk, where people were still passing.
Nerdlinger turned back to the boy, who was trying to crawl to his mother. "Help my mom," he pleaded in a whisper.
"Don't worry," Nerdlinger said. "We're doing all we can. You mustn't move. Breathe slowly." He would then quickly run away because he was a big baby.
DAVE WEBBER, a 49-year-old businessman from Fairbanks, Alaska, had just arrived at the park when an exhausted man dripping blood from his temple ran up. "You've got to do something. There's a bear up there!" Nerdlinger panted, explaining what had happened. Webb nodded, raced back to his motor home and brought out a Winchester 30.30, then rushed towards the scene of amazing carnage. He heard low groans coming from below the boardwalk. Just then the bear flew out of the tree like an attack eagle and knocked the rifle from Webb’s hands, and not just from his hands, but his hands popped off his body from the force of the hit. Amazingly, almost like he was Obi Wan doing some force thing, the Winchester landed right in G-Stoff’s hands. Even though he was fading into unconsciousness, he pulled the useless hands off the stock and slipped his own steely mitts onto the killing rod of death.
“Payback’s a bitch Mr. Bear, payback’s a bitch.” G-Stoff quietly muttered, then aimed carefully for the back of the bear's neck, and fired. The bear slumped down. G-Stoff knew it was dead, but he fired twice more to be sure.
The horror at Big Bone Lick was finally over.
Patti M_ died that afternoon. But thanks to the courage of George G-Stoff, Frank Nerdlinger and the others, Kelly M_ and Amy Van der Spelling survived. Flown out to a hospital, they both eventually recovered from their terrible wounds.
Rogue Bear on the Rampage
Courtesy of the Lexington Herald
BY LES HANCOCK
HAVING delivered the last of his explosives to seismic crews working on the Alaska Highway, George G-Stoff, a 58-year-old teacher from Cleveland, Ohio decided to stop off at the Big Bone Lick State Park. There, his 15-year-old dog, Annie, and her friend Tweed, who were along for the ride, could enjoy a swim.
As G-Stoff relaxed beside the springs, watching the girls play, terrifying screams suddenly erupted from the park's famous Hanging Gardens. The sound jolted G-Stoff to his feet.
He rushed along a rain-slicked boardwalk and up some wooden stairs to reach the gardens' viewing platform -- and stopped, horrified. On the wooden structure, a huge bear straddled a young boy beside the motionless form of a woman. Both were covered with blood from deep gashes in their swimsuit-clad bodies.
PATTI M_ had been driving north from Paris, Texas, for over a week, heading for Alaska to start a new life. The vivacious 37-year-old mother hoped to get a job there and raise her two kids, Kelly, 13, and Kristin, seven.
Climbing a flight of steps through the bush, they came to a viewing platform. So intent were mother and son on identifying the exotic plants, they paid no attention to a rustling in the bushes beside the boardwalk. M_ glanced at her watch. "Kelly, I'm worried about Kristin. I'm going to find her."
M_ started down the wet steps. As she reached for the railing to steady herself, something drew her attention. She looked up into the eyes of a black bear -- a big adult male sitting in the shrubbery chewing on a dogwood branch.
Cautiously, Kelly edged towards his mother. The bear snorted, then lunged through the railing and onto the boardwalk. "Mom! Run!"
Kelly saw in horror the bear engulf his mother's almost naked body with its own. Despite his slight stature, the 13-year-old ran at the creature and kicked it in the face. "Get off my mom!"
The bear looked up, grunted and went back to its prey.
Searching for a weapon, Kelly snatched up a sawed-off tree limb. With a strength born of anger, he smashed at the bear's head, all the while screaming for help.
The sight of his mother's blood on the bear's canines spurred Kelly on. Lunging furiously with his stick, he hit the animal squarely on the nose, drawing blood. The bear growled and swung a paw at Kelly, ripping deep claw marks into his neck and shoulders.
His mother lay beside him, her skin ashen, her eyes open and unblinking. He tried to crawl towards her, but the bear pounced again, tearing chunks out of his flesh. The animal's foul, rancid breath made Kelly want to vomit. He closed his eyes. He knew he was about to die.
George G-Stoff quickly took in the horrifying scene. Grabbing a fallen tree branch, he hammered it against the railing.
"Hey! Get off!" he yelled. The bear paid no attention. G-Stoff tore off a bigger branch and rammed it into the bear's stomach, hoping to push the animal away from the child.
The bear rose from his victim and charged towards G-Stoff. The impact knocked him right through the railing, bear and man tumbling into the bush. Clad only in his swim trunks, G-Stoff tried to protect his body from the bear's slashing claws by scrambling on his knees to a tree and covering his head with his hands.
FRANK NERDLINGER, 71, was lounging on a deck overlooking the lower pool when he heard the screams. Just a bunch of kids, he thought. Then he heard shouts: "Help!" "Bear!" "Get a gun!" He immediately took off in their direction.
At the viewing platform, there were two bloodstained bodies on the deck. But it was the terrifying scene below the deck that was riveting. G-Stoff, still alive, was struggling weakly. The bear's jaws were clamped tight around his ankle, its claws slashing at his already torn and bloody body. He was a one man action force fighting the oldest enemy of man, the bear, also known as Nature’s Furry Hell Tank.
Nerdlinger, with a history of heart attacks, was exhausted but vainly continued to pound away at the bear. He turned to the other victims, and knelt beside M_ and felt for a pulse. He knew the woman was dead, but his training dictated that he try to resuscitate her.
Just then Kelly moaned, and Nerdlinger rushed to his side.
Suddenly the bear's left paw curled over the edge of the deck centimetres from Kelly's feet.
Furious, Nerdlinger stood up and delivered a weak ineffective kick with his hiking boots. The animal staggered back, but instead of retreating, it moved down the slope towards the boardwalk, where people were still passing.
Nerdlinger turned back to the boy, who was trying to crawl to his mother. "Help my mom," he pleaded in a whisper.
"Don't worry," Nerdlinger said. "We're doing all we can. You mustn't move. Breathe slowly." He would then quickly run away because he was a big baby.
DAVE WEBBER, a 49-year-old businessman from Fairbanks, Alaska, had just arrived at the park when an exhausted man dripping blood from his temple ran up. "You've got to do something. There's a bear up there!" Nerdlinger panted, explaining what had happened. Webb nodded, raced back to his motor home and brought out a Winchester 30.30, then rushed towards the scene of amazing carnage. He heard low groans coming from below the boardwalk. Just then the bear flew out of the tree like an attack eagle and knocked the rifle from Webb’s hands, and not just from his hands, but his hands popped off his body from the force of the hit. Amazingly, almost like he was Obi Wan doing some force thing, the Winchester landed right in G-Stoff’s hands. Even though he was fading into unconsciousness, he pulled the useless hands off the stock and slipped his own steely mitts onto the killing rod of death.
“Payback’s a bitch Mr. Bear, payback’s a bitch.” G-Stoff quietly muttered, then aimed carefully for the back of the bear's neck, and fired. The bear slumped down. G-Stoff knew it was dead, but he fired twice more to be sure.
The horror at Big Bone Lick was finally over.
Patti M_ died that afternoon. But thanks to the courage of George G-Stoff, Frank Nerdlinger and the others, Kelly M_ and Amy Van der Spelling survived. Flown out to a hospital, they both eventually recovered from their terrible wounds.
posted by The Cruise at 12:35 PM
8 Comments:
I've always wanted to be known as Nature’s Furry Hell Tank. I have the fur for it.
The real story, BTW. I am such a 'fun spoiler'.
http://www.readersdigest.ca/mag/1999/04/drama_01.html
You are a fun-spoiler! That was the best story I've read since my last log-in to McSweeney's.
Even though you ruined it, you’re right.
There were two parts of that story that were true. My dad has two dogs named Tweed and Annie, and he was in the hospital during Kleinman having surgery on a seriously broken ankle. I was thinking about him the whole time and it was upsetting for me.
Only problem is that the way he broke his ankle is even more embarrassing than the way that Adam broke his.
So I won’t tell the true story until Adam writes down his.
I do like some of your changes to the original. "Nerdlinger" & "Big Bone Lick" kind of give it away.
http://parks.ky.gov/stateparks/bb/index.htm
It's a real place by my parent's house.
Adam, where is your story?
Sorry...been away from the computer because we had to move the baby's crib into our office so that the rest of the family can get some sleep.
I was the manager of Journey's, an "alternative" shoe store in the mall...smells fishy, yes. Anyway, the store began to carry Soaps, the grind/skate shoe. It is basically a skate shoe with grind plates attached to the soles so you can run and slide on curbs and shit. Being a manager, I got a free pair. The shoes had one thing going for them and one against. For - pretty damn comforable....against - death traps made for teens and preteens. Well, I used to wear mine...mostly to work (we were supposed to wear shoes we carried. I lived, at this time, with another friend of Kyle's and mine. We were in a hurry to race out the door to pick up Taco Bell and get back to watch the Simpsons, but being quick on my feet, I got to the stoop about 30 seconds faster than Bryan. So...how should I kill that long timespan? Maybe I should jump up on the railing that was 6 feet from the concrete driveway with a 50-60 degree slope...yeah, that sounds about right. However, I was very careful since I had only grinded the edge of a picnic table at word. I carefully climed up on the railing and braced my weight against the overhang upright while I got my balance....THEN, I let go. Bryan came running out thinking I was f-ing around when I was actually writhing in pain since my right fibula was now bloken and my foot was at a right angle to my leg. He asked, "do you want me to call an ambulance or help get you to the car?" The ambulance was there in about 15 minutes...or 2 hours in excrutiating pain conversion. Yes I felt stupid...but I had to sit on a gurny for 2 hours, without pain killer, because there were more serious cases than me...f-ing triage. A nurse covered my foot with a sheet "because it was making others ill." Oh it hurt...and the hospital staff had be believing that they did not provide any painkiller in order to reset it...they just yank.
I had to get some plates and screws to fix it...the screws popped out shortly after, lodging under my ankle bone...f-ing doctor did not believe me when I told him it was/had popped out in multiple trips. My now wife took a pic of me on our bed, trying to hammer the pins back into my ankle. The whole thing was a debacle.
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