Now, back to the story:
The TSA line moves very slow. Mainly because there is no one helping out. There seems to be more than one flight leaving at this very early hour, but the amount of workers is sparse. Maybe because of the hiring requirements, in my recent travels every crew has been made up of the same people, replicated in wave after wave, like a Konami video game from the late 80s.
-middle aged white dude who takes the job very seriously
-middle aged white woman trying very hard to be attractive but has her pants hiked up to right under her tits
-young black woman, script neck tattoo optional
-cool older black dude that looks like he would be fun to drink with
-morbidly obese person who really loves the metal detector wand
The plane to Phoenix was packed, but the majority of the folks seemed to be headed on to Vegas afterward. I would do that the next day because I am like that.
The lady seated directly behind me was one of the most inadvertently annoying people I’ve ever had to be around. She wasn’t mean, or conceited, or evil, she just never stopped talking. From the second she stepped on the plane, to the second I stepped off, I heard her voice non stop. In fact, it went a little, like this:
MY SON WAS IN VEGAS WHEN IT WAS HOT. 130 DEGREES I THINK THAT’S HOW HOT WATER BOILS THERE’S THE SCREENS THAT SHOW CHRISTMAS SONGS EVEN THOUGH IT NOT TIME YET AND LET ME TELL YOU 130 DEGREES IS HOT HOTHOTHOT I WAS IN PHOENIX AND THAT WAS HOT 110 DEGREES HOTHOTHOT IT’S DRY HEAT THOUGH HOT AT NIGHT BUT NOT HOT LIKE HUMID THOSE SCREENS GO DOWN BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF IT’S HUMID IN BALTIMORE THAT’S WHERE I WAS WHEN I WAS 18 AND HAD A MY SON MY HUSBAND WAS A DRUG ADDICT IN THE NAVY AND I LIVED WITH HIS SISTER WHO CHEATED WITH A MARRIED MAN AND HER HUSBAND LEFT HER SHE TOOK HIM BACK BUT I NEVER REALLY SAW THE MUSEUMS IN DC TOO HOT THERE AND SO FAR TO WALK THERE WE GO IN THE AIR THE WORST PART IS RIGHT BEFORE YOU LAND I HAVE TO TALK TALK TALK TO SOMEONE OR I GET TOO NERVOUS
It was like I met my mom again.
Just like I do every time I fly out of PDX, if my plane makes it into the air without hitting a flock of geese or any other bunch of birds, I quietly thank Spidey. So thanks again Spidey for making sure we didn’t kill a bunch of birds.
Another thing I always do on a flight is carry a Sharpie. I keep it close at all times. The idea is that if the captain comes on and gently hints we’re probably going down in flames, I plan on writing out my epitaph, or epithet on the surface of my tray table.
My two current choices that roll around in my mind are:
1-
Dear *****, I **** I have*** said it, but I really **** ***. You **** so **** to me, I just ****** you to ****. Thanks, and **** miss ***.
2-
f**k all y’all s**tfu***rs. You ain’t **** shit for me and I have grievances against *** turdburglars, ** there’s any luck this ***** blew the **ck ** right over your ***damn heads *** *** engine will Donnie Darko you right in the ****, bitches.
Just so you know, I added the asterisks to simulate the damage occurred from the airplane wreckage. It will give the FAA something fun to decipher and then release to the press.
Coming up next, the finale of my business trip. Stay Tuned!
-middle aged white dude who takes the job very seriously
-middle aged white woman trying very hard to be attractive but has her pants hiked up to right under her tits
-young black woman, script neck tattoo optional
-cool older black dude that looks like he would be fun to drink with
-morbidly obese person who really loves the metal detector wand
The plane to Phoenix was packed, but the majority of the folks seemed to be headed on to Vegas afterward. I would do that the next day because I am like that.
The lady seated directly behind me was one of the most inadvertently annoying people I’ve ever had to be around. She wasn’t mean, or conceited, or evil, she just never stopped talking. From the second she stepped on the plane, to the second I stepped off, I heard her voice non stop. In fact, it went a little, like this:
MY SON WAS IN VEGAS WHEN IT WAS HOT. 130 DEGREES I THINK THAT’S HOW HOT WATER BOILS THERE’S THE SCREENS THAT SHOW CHRISTMAS SONGS EVEN THOUGH IT NOT TIME YET AND LET ME TELL YOU 130 DEGREES IS HOT HOTHOTHOT I WAS IN PHOENIX AND THAT WAS HOT 110 DEGREES HOTHOTHOT IT’S DRY HEAT THOUGH HOT AT NIGHT BUT NOT HOT LIKE HUMID THOSE SCREENS GO DOWN BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF IT’S HUMID IN BALTIMORE THAT’S WHERE I WAS WHEN I WAS 18 AND HAD A MY SON MY HUSBAND WAS A DRUG ADDICT IN THE NAVY AND I LIVED WITH HIS SISTER WHO CHEATED WITH A MARRIED MAN AND HER HUSBAND LEFT HER SHE TOOK HIM BACK BUT I NEVER REALLY SAW THE MUSEUMS IN DC TOO HOT THERE AND SO FAR TO WALK THERE WE GO IN THE AIR THE WORST PART IS RIGHT BEFORE YOU LAND I HAVE TO TALK TALK TALK TO SOMEONE OR I GET TOO NERVOUS
It was like I met my mom again.
Just like I do every time I fly out of PDX, if my plane makes it into the air without hitting a flock of geese or any other bunch of birds, I quietly thank Spidey. So thanks again Spidey for making sure we didn’t kill a bunch of birds.
Another thing I always do on a flight is carry a Sharpie. I keep it close at all times. The idea is that if the captain comes on and gently hints we’re probably going down in flames, I plan on writing out my epitaph, or epithet on the surface of my tray table.
My two current choices that roll around in my mind are:
1-
Dear *****, I **** I have*** said it, but I really **** ***. You **** so **** to me, I just ****** you to ****. Thanks, and **** miss ***.
2-
f**k all y’all s**tfu***rs. You ain’t **** shit for me and I have grievances against *** turdburglars, ** there’s any luck this ***** blew the **ck ** right over your ***damn heads *** *** engine will Donnie Darko you right in the ****, bitches.
Just so you know, I added the asterisks to simulate the damage occurred from the airplane wreckage. It will give the FAA something fun to decipher and then release to the press.
Coming up next, the finale of my business trip. Stay Tuned!
Labels: bitches, darko milicic, donnie darko, epitaph, mario van peebles
posted by The Cruise at 4:17 PM
3 Comments:
Careful. A post like this could turn into a dumping ground for airplane stories. If it does, I have a few I want to drop.
-the passed out guy in the bathroom
-the marine and the liberal talking about the war
-18 years olds that clap during landing
-paying for food on planes (generally)
You don't just let people know the title of your story without telling the story.
If someone were to tell me they have stories titled:
"Why I am permantly banned from the Clifton Taco Bell"
"My death was broadcast on ESPN, but I got better."
"Then she said, Sorry, I've given out too many blow jobs lately"
...and then never told the actual story, I'd never speak to them again.
First, i'm switching to pedro for an identity. it's basically my name which is what I'm used to. Also, I prefer things like drinks where the name is what is in it (jack and coke, vodka soda, instead of greyhound, udder juice).
Second, I'm not a very good storyteller and was hoping someone else would write in some. But, the good one is about the guy in the bathroom, he was russian which becomes more important later on. This man sits down in the row in front of me and has good balance (that's tall for short). Before the plane takes off he pre-orders (only possible on SW) two straight vodkas.
Within 10 minutes of take-off he orders another 2 vodkas and since he is getting some looks orders 2 for the guy next to him. Then that guy buys him a round a little later. This is a one hour flight from PDX to Reno so they are all business. By about 40 minutes into the flight the guy gets up and goes to the bathroom. He's had 5 vodkas at this point, which is quite a bit considering how much "balance" he has. But nothing out of the ordinary. Right after he gets into the bathroom cigarette smoke starts wafting out. We are right by the bathroom and just laugh. 15 minutes later the pilot says it's time to go back to your seat for landing. Nothing. Another reminder. Nothing. It's clear the flight attendants are not about to do anything besides knock sternly on the door. I look at the guy next to me with a look of, "does this mean we have to do something". I thought of being the hero and rescuing the man from whatever happens to you if you are in the bathroom during a landing (i assume the toilets open up and the pressure drops to zero and you pass out immediately.) well that's what must have happened because when he finally came to, we had landed and he had this very sleepy look on his face.
Upon exiting his "suite", he has a big smile and says in a drunken russian accent (the same accent he started with, which means he came on the plane drunk but no one could tell because of the accent) "sometimes, I fuck up". He is greeted by 3 guards as he leaves the plane. That's it I guess. Hope you stuck around.
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