Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I was born a poor white child.




Last night I went to Ryan and Scottys. Don't tell Scotty, but I wasn't there for him, I just went to take a ride on Ryan's crazy "bicycle with a motor." It's this kit that's pretty much a lawnmower engine with a set of gears and a gas tank that you strap on your bicycle and make it go fast. I took it for one swipe around the block and felt like Steve McQueen. I want one now.

Okay, the real reason I went over there was because Scotty is leaving town. I know he's been leaving for months, and he's already had a couple going away parties, but this time he seems serious. It was a nice chill affair, I believe he only mentioned Hot Buttered Rum seven times, and his acoustic strumming was totally worth the trip.
Portland will be worse off without Scotty, but luckily I'm pretty sure he'll be back every weekend so he can have more going away parties.

Monday, August 29, 2005



This is the only thing I have ever loved.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

On Saturday I was supposed to go out with Broman, Danimal and JC Superstar, in order to commune with nature. So instead I went to the exact opposite of nature. Hillsboro. Within 5 minutes of hitting the ‘burbs, or as the kids call it these days Chapter 17 of Dante’s Inferno, Some little hottie flipped me off. Luckily it was because the hottie incorrectly thought I was a total perv because I was cruising next to her going about 7 miles an hour. Unluckily it was Mish, and I think she hates me now. I can’t tell because once she saw who I was she smiled. But she has a habit of smiling with eyes that burn of the hate of a thousand midnight suns.
Since I was stuck in the Hillsboro for bbq/poolparty…you know Hillsboro really needs a catchy nickname to let everyone know how much it sucks dong. Back to the story, since I was stuck in Hillsboro I decided to treat it like a camping trip, you know, leave the wilderness in better shape than you found it. I accomplished this by taking a dump but instead of ruining the water table with tp, I used biodegradable tp*1 and buried it.*2
Another method of leaving the site better than you found it is to potage out your gear. I’m not sure what that means, so I just tried to drink every beer in the fridge with Ash and Peter. I was also a good guest and I took my chicken curry sausage home with me.

We finished the night off with games of chance and skill.
Ribaldry was once again sadly in absentia.
I am seriously going to quit hanging out with these people if I don’t score pretty soon.

*1 I had to improvise so I used a letter I found on the counter, because I thought that would be about the same level of discomfort.
*2 There was no real dirt to bury my trash, so instead I hid it under the couch.

Friday, August 26, 2005

So on Friday night I take the easy way out. Now what I could do is go make some calls and find some fun out in the world, but instead I walk over to D’Arcy’s house. He has me stop by the liquor store on the way on account of it closes at 8, and when I get there at 7:55, it is inhabited by the dregs of my neighborhood. I guess living in a neighborhood with a liquor store and a tittie bar only 4 blocks away makes the whole place the dregs, but in my defense I bought the house when the tittie bar was a metal bar that did not show titties for entertainment.
But I digress.

Hanging out at D’Arcy and Yuka’s is a core group of people, I won’t be so gouche as to name them by name.
We started off drinking, then drinking Irish Car bombs. Now some folks say never to mix your drinks with beer to avoid a hangover. I say who cares. There is even a lovely little Children’s Rhyme that covers this: “Beer at the same time as Liquor, get her in bed Quicker” Plus, “Honey Came Bloody, so I Hit her in the $#!++er”.

We finished the night off with games of chance and skill.
Ribaldry was sadly in absentia.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wednesday:
Hypothetical question day.

A-If you could snap your fingers, and make all the homeless people in Portland have a safe, clean place to live if it made everyone's taxes go up 100 dollars a year, would you do it?
The twist to this question is that I would move them all into the house next door to yours. Then keep the money.


B-Which would you rather have all the homeless people in downtown Portland disappear off the face of the earth, or just all the OSPIRG people in downtown Portland disappear off the face of the earth?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The post where I describe the Spawnfest weekend.

-For future reference, 6 men is not enough. 5 women can be enough, but 4 is not.
Seeing other teams there was crazy. Every team from Portland seemed to be full of pickups. Where was everyone last weekend? Did I miss something? Was there something really good on TV? Why am I the last to find out these things?
-The weather was great, sunny days, not too hot, light wind to add in some strategy, and it was dry as a bone.
-Lisa (Elizabeth) is the nicest server I have ever had. It made going to Red Robin actually worth it.
-I had a great time. The party was at some crazy lady’s house in the middle of nowhere. Lots of woods, a fire, swing set of the abyss, septic tank suzie sticks, camping on site, lingerie catalogs in the outhouse, card games at picnic tables, kegs with faulty taps. Everything you could want out of a party. I got to hang out with Amy, Su-wen, Todd, Nick, and Brent. Much better than last party, and as an added bonus, one of the Epsteins acknowledged my existence. I was giddy.
Plus it is being gossiped that two of my team mates hooked up. Perfect.
-I know it’s basic human interaction, and there’s probably been billions of studies, but seriously. It feels nice to get hugged. Call me a big queermo, but when you’re walking around the field and see a woman from another team that you haven’t seen in a while, getting a hug is nice. It used to be just Su-Wen and Mimi that hugged me. Now I have gotten enough people to unhate me that lots of American girls like my face.
Just don’t expect me enjoy cuddling after I get Buk-Wile. I don’t swing that way.
-If Possum hadn’t injured two of our players, and forced us to go savage men, we would have been in A pool. How stupid is that? Whoever made the original seeds made a few mistakes.
But whatever, we’ll take ‘em. If you want to accomplish, you gots to take care of your business. There’s no crying in ultimate, take your seed and live up to it.

Where I was Nostradamus and a half.
------------------------------------------------
-Lit Jr. won C pool. They were happy about it. Delusional.
-Lots of folks took baths in the river. I’m pretty sure source was either antarctica, or some glacier in Saskatchewan. It was like wading into a leaky refrigerator. My pepe’ ended up an inch long. Brent will attest to this fact.
-Epstein will have to hope last year repeats itself in reverse regarding their games with Shazbot.
Or they have to hope that McGee and Ellen can play every point at Regionals.
-We picked up a player at a party Friday night. He showed up for the last game Saturday then he quit, then he rejoined the team when he got to sleep in on Sunday.

Where my predictions failed.
------------------------------------------------
-Beau Kittredge was not there, so Psychic beat Alaska. I also hear the other big guy got injured.
Psychic had some insane comeback on a team, but I was busy eating breakfast, so I missed it.
-The japanese team only brought 14 women, and kept the shrieking to a minimum. They were still the most fun team to watch in the tournament. Any team whose zone offense is just one popper/one handler, and lefty hammers all over the field is awesome. On the other hand, Condors strategy of bringing every moron on their team onto the field after a score looks really stupid when hucks are called back because of travels. Act like you’ve been there before.
-Epstein showed up at the party. They formed a circle and danced with each other like a junior high mixer, but they showed up. Kudos to you Epstein, Kudos. Wasabi stayed late, but didn’t have to drive me back to the fields. This is because both our teams had first round byes.
-Coltrane as a team had fun, we jelled better than before, and even though the team will probably end up totally different next year (we’re going to heavily recruit Danimal, and I would imagine the women will quit) at least the core will stay the same. Kyle, Su-Wen and Fraser forever. We might not break up after all, and 2006 will be year two. Or as the 12 Year Calendar of Ancient Chinese Secrets called it, “Year of the shutting your mouths since we will be winning games*1.” All you haters out there, keep hatin’. This is how we roll. Respect. We look forward to continuing our one sided rivalry with Lit Jr. Or as they will be known next year, Lit Jr Jr. Are there any oher Scuber players left to join them? Maybe they could get Dougie if he comes back to Portland.

*1 Or, Year of the Jackalope.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Spawnfest predictions:

1-Shazbat
2-Crazy State

3-Epstein
4-BerzerkAmylikehotties
5-Sidekicks
6-Lit Junior*1

7/30-Everyone else

-Last year, Juan Epstein had problems with two things:
1-They couldn't beat a team that picked up their women 2 days before the tournament.
Was this because the infusion of men's players couldn't deal with the estrogen?
If so, look for a better showing because they added another 14 women to their team, and got rid of most of the offending xys.
Or, just look forward to the new guys looking off all 35 women on the roster.
Either way, it will be the same. Or just exactly the different.

2-They also couldn't beat the world's second tallest transvestite*2 and the 21st century version of the Beau Duke.
If both those two show up, look for more trouble, because Juan Epstein is shorter this year.

-Showers fell through. No showers. We have been told we can rinse off in the stream though. That makes up for it. At least whoever rides home with Miles won't be able to tell the difference.

-Evidently my team got confused as to which tournament we're playing in Burlington, because we are taking a Gnarly Gnines squad.
Shoot me now, I'm scrounging people off of Dirty Thirty. And the people I'm picking up will be our ringers. I'm also fully expecting to have a player quit the team and join the opposite team at half, it's the only new method of desertion I haven't encountered yet.

-Fiber could conceivably put an entire 7 person line on the field, have them all stand on each other's shoulders, and still not be able to dunk a basketball. In case you were wondering, I am implying that a basketball hoop resides 10 feet off the ground, and that Fiber has short people on the team.

-If we play Swizzle, Brad will foul me intentionally, tell me the rules wrong, and then apologize after the game. The only way I see this happening otherwise will be if I am mistaken, and Ryan fouls me instead.

-Sidekicks will show up at the party and somebody will break something. Probably Ma breaking TJ's butt hymen.
Then both our teams will go eat at that mexican place.

-Wasabi will win the spirit award like always. And they will all puke at the party, but still drive me back to the fields.

-I will have more fun than last year. Because I think it will rain less than 15 inches while I'm on the field.
The salmon will be a letdown, the showcase game will be sparsely attended while people look for ways to wash up, the japanese women will make me go deaf, the open players will have some guy stalking the sidelines with an armbrace made of beer cartons, I will hear at least three stories of somebody punching someone on the field, and this year we will take turns driving home to be very safe.

*1 This ranking will occur entirely in the magical happy land that exists inside their skulls. A place some of us like to call "Crazyville, population You, you deluded psychos".
*2 Rupaul is number 1 at 6'7"; 7'0" in heels.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Journey to yester-year:

If you wondered about my Kleinman wrap up, or more specifically, the lack of one, I can sum it up quckly.

-Kleinman was not fun at all.

For these reasons:
-my team lost a lot.
-I didn't hang out with any friends at the fields.
-I didn't hang out with any friends at the party.
-The next day I was left to pick up the entire campsite with only three people from my team, some other person, Danimal and Broman for about ten minutes, and my mortal enemy. The other team scheduled to pick up didn't show at all. And that's why they are shit heads, and why they always lose.
-Anytime I needed something to help me clean up, it was in Joe's truck. Joe conveniently kept his truck at his house.
-I had to wait half an hour for the hippie band to clear out so I could leave.
That made me miss the first half of our opening Sunday game, which I guess was okay because we were down big when I got there, so I'm glad I didn't have to see it.

Tomorrow I will give my Spawnfest predictions.
I had some people over last night.

There was a small collection of my decent friends mixed in with the hoi polloi that should be kept away from polite society.
These charlatans befouled my soiree with topics such as:

-Introductions with the stunningly gauche "Who are you?"
-Discussions of the occurance, length and severity of menstrual flow.
-Descriptions of what looks like urination, and what does not.

Once again, the evening had to be saved by T-Unit, and his culinary expertise.
Luckily he brought jam, and the conversations of jam that would not be out of place in Savoir magazine. Do not let the visor fool you, he is High Society.

I was smart enough to bring Kerplunk, the thinking man's Jenga.
And "vAginas" defeated "little Boys" in Taboo. I contended the game should be completed under protest, because women folk have psychoempathic zones in their frontal lobes that help them more than the way that men carry an extra cognitive center in their reproductive member.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Party review: Liquor Luge
What it is: a tilted block of ice half as big as a city block and 38 gallons of nature's most disgusting distilled alcohol products. With Christmas lights.

-It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
-Anything produced by the DeKuyper company (a subsidiary of Jack Daniels) is shit.
-green apple? more like WTFFlavor.
-I did a lot of pouring, and if I learned one thing it's that when someone says stop, they mean "pour more"*1
-I don't think Ihurt many feelings, nice job by me.
-When Rory says she doesn't have to drive, try and give her the biggest shot possible.
-Whoever didn't ride a bike there is a dunce. Ride a bike you big dummy.
-I missed that numbskull guy from Tacoma that came last year.



By the way: Cleveland Browns comparison to Swizzle.
They've been around for ever, everyone can name a favorite player from the past, it's easy to hate individuals on the team, impossible to hate them as a whole, and no matter how good they look on paper, they're not gonna pull out that big win like you expect them to.

Plus:Bernie Kosar.


*1 do not apply this to real life. No always means no.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

This started out as a joke.

Now I've actually gotten some requests to write more stuff.
It feels really weird to be trying to provide entertainment for
only 4 people.

1-a guy I'm jealous of
2-my ex girlfriend
3-my nemesis/personality doppleganger/friend/cohort
4-my goofy roommate

Plus, what is the whole nature of writing anything in this format? I can't write real personal stuff, because I never even talk about that anyway. And I'm sure not going to open myself up on the internet. What do you think I am, a high school girl?

I guess the end result is how I try to act in any social situation with more than one other person.
Hopefully I can put enough effort out that someone will laugh, and let me know that I'm worthwhile.

By the way, I need to hang out with Mish and Steve more, he always makes me feel better about myself.

Maybe I should try and get more pictures?

Thursday, August 04, 2005



And another thing about Kleinman.

Y'all are sissyfied.

Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.

And on that day, I'm going to be standing front and center just laughing my fucking head off. laughing.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Yesterday I tried to answer the age old question:

Which is the best Jesus and Mary Chain album?
Honey's Dead?
or
Automatic?

I'm going to surprise many of you, and go with the unpopular pick:

Honey's Dead.

Automatic hits you in the face with thse kick ass singles and then kicks you in the nards when you can't rock any more, but Honey's Dead sneaks into your house on a tuesday night and sets your older sister's bumper pool table on fire and then gives your Dad a hickey.

It's just a difference in semantics.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Kleinman Predictions:

-The party will be a disaster. Never give a man a Bethany's job.
(If there is more beer than before, I retract my argument.)
(also factor in my utter distaste for Jam Bands)

-Berzerkapiggy will be in finals, I don't know against who.

-I don't want to play the women's teams. This is not a sexist comment, I am not Vijay Singh, I don't want to play them because Kathy O is better than me.

-It will be warm, and I will want more shade. Me getting thirsty is a distinct possibility.

-During a bye, I will go over to the furniture outlet and take a nap on a fancy bed. That bed will then be too sweaty to sell, and I will buy it at a discount the next week.

-Good Times will beat their seeding. Vengeance and whatnot.

-Coltrane will not beat our seeding. No matter how low we are seeded, I think we will underperform. I have a feeling the Dirty XXX has finally figured out our ItchyScratchy, and will take advantage of my verbal commands. Plus, I am due for my first bad game ever. It's been eleven years since the last time I wasn't a total dominating force. The Cruise versus Toledo 1994; Ohio Sectionals. I got a concussion on my first score and was worthless the rest of the day.

-I am not jealous of T-Unit because he dates the 2nd coolest girl in town, or because he has a full head of hair, or because he has better throws than me, or because he's faster, or because he can jump higher, or because all of Swizzle wants to pork him, or because he carries three beepers like he's some ironic faux drug dealer character from The Cosby Show's third season; but because he gets to hang out with Peter more than me. There. I said it.

-The SweatHogs will make me mad in some way. Probably by not volunteering enough for my warped sense of duty, or maybe just their play on the field. Sweathogs and Shazbot and the Sidekicks are this weird bermuda triangle of hate for me. It's sort of like the Cowboys, Redskins, and Steelers. I always root for the Cowboys and Redskins to lose. But when they play each other, I hope a comet hits the stadium and both teams are wiped off the face of the earth. But I always root for the Steelers unless they play the Bengals. Get it? (Swizzle are the Cleveland Browns)

-people that say "let's use this!" after the other team's turnover are idiots.
I wish they would stop. Why wouldn't your team attempt to "use this"? Do they not want to score? Give helpful advice like "holy shit, someone's open HUCK IT!" or "Be Patient, we don't have a single decent handler on the field and you're going to screw up the first throw since you have no business ever picking up the disc."

-add your own predictions.

Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm making a big mistake.

I keep getting these emails that might computer thinks are spam, but they can't be.
They're all in Russian. And everyone knows the only Russian businesses are exporting wives and organized crime, so this can't be Russian business spam. It must be from some dead agent Soviet Spy stuck in the jungles of Cambodia trying to contact someone to bring him back out. If any of you know conversational Russian, help me out and translate this. Take careful note of the few words in English. Is it coded GPS locations? I don't know. I hope I don't get this agent killed with my ineptitude. Who is Phelps? Charlie Bango Foxtrot. Over.


Hello Phelps.dahliaj4o
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